Aquarius: Go into university sometime. Your lecturers are concerned.

You’ve got no job, no savings, and only course costs to dig your ass out of the dirt, if you haven’t already spent it on an ounce or two…

Or atleast, how to not fuck it up for once

Scorpios: Change your fucking sheets

Oi, Adam. Clean your fucking bong mate.

The strong, gooey edible that’ll change your life.

Step One: Have a car

I know that’s already stumped most of you, but notice I didn’t say your car, just any ol’ car will do. Let’s just hope your mate has insurance…

I was nose deep in balls, and I looked up, startled, cum around my mouth and making eye contact with my dear mother.

Libras: Reply to your messages, people are starting to get worried about you. 

Directions: Cook your Mi Goreng, add the grated cheese. Say grace and r-amen.

This may just be the weirdest 6 minutes of my life.

Vegan, Gluten Free, Nut-free – it doesn’t matter what your dietary requirements are, this is the easiest failproof chocolate cake.

Paying bills can be a bitch. Shit costs money. For the unfortunate soul who has to calculate, estimate and pay the bills, you tend to spend more than you hoped just to keep things running.

We need not feel ashamed of flirting with the zodiac

Sometimes I eat noodles and I feel hungry. Sometimes I eat dumplings and I still feel hungry. Introducing noodles with dumplings; the best of both worlds.

Woke up at midday, dry-mouthed and dusty as fuck. The light was blinding, I was so thirsty that I would have sucked my own dick at that point, just to hydrate my mouth

We are merely the stars' tennis-balls, struck and bandied which way please them.

Sex is complicated. Made more complicated by the fact that, for some reason, I can’t stop doing it outdoors.