Horoscopes (vol 3)
Aries
You wake up to find you’ve slept through your first day of university, wait, your first week? Dreary eyed you check your phone. No… No this can’t be right… is that what year it is??? You need to set more alarms next time you drink.
Taurus
Take a break, that pile of dishes isn’t going anywhere. Not anywhere at all. No matter how hard you try, you cannot move them. You are not strong enough. Accept your dishes, cherish them, and they will thrive and grow like all good children... albeit with mould.
Gemini
As the mediator of your flat, it’s time to have a stern conversation with your flatmate about the nightmarish howling at 3am. It’s keeping everyone up. You’ll have to reiterate that designated howling times are between 11am and 1pm, as outlined in the tenancy agreement.
Cancer
Your walks home this week will remind you of a shower. Wet, lonely, and a little too cold to be comfortable. A raincoat should fix all of these... if you hold it close enough.
Leo
You will spend many hours this week staring into the void. On Wednesday, it will stare back. You will lock eyes, the void will blush. The void looks especially thicc today, you bite your lip. “You got snap?” you will ask. It does not.
Virgo
Tussock coffee is too hot this week, cool it down with light exposure to your soul by staring at it blankly for 4 hours. If it cools down too much, well… that’s too bad. Buy another, repeat the process carefully. Soul exposure is a delicate science.
Libra
Catch the eye of that cutie from class. Hold it. Roll it between your fingers, clean it with some water and light scrubbing. But be sure to give it back. Wouldn’t want to look like a weirdo… would you?
Scorpio
You will have a terrifying encounter with the most fearsome creature in this plane of existence: Property managers. Beware their judging eyes, scratching notepads and sharp, pointed teeth. Beware the property managers. Beware.
Sagittarius
Sit back, relax. You can’t do work this late in the day. You’re too tired. Farrrr too tired. Your shoulders hang, your eyelids droop, your body lightly rumbles with a snore. You have been sleeping too long. Wake up…WAKE UP
Capricorn
Stay away from men in town this week. And next week. In fact, avoid men indefinitely. It’s for your own sake. If you are a man and therefore cannot avoid one, beware. You are breaking the law, and will be hunted for sport… But not the kind that men watch.
Aquarius
While having cones with your flatmates this week you will feel like you’re floating on air. You will look like you are floating on air. You are floating. Be sure to have a designated anchor person in your sesh group, or else you might just float away.
Pisces
You will make friends this week by accidental astral projection. Who knew zoning out in class would be so fun? Cherish the lifetime you spend with your newfound companion before being dragged, unwilling, into the sentient world. Only a moment has passed.