Sexcapades (vol 5)

I was bringing my boyfriend, let’s call him Ted, to meet my parents for the first time and I was SO nervous. My parents are pretty chill, but still a little uptight, in that middle-aged way. We’d never even discussed things like drugs or masturbation, it was a strict ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. But anyway, did the fucking thing, had a nice dinner, it was all going swimmingly. I could tell that the bf was feeling a bit frisky during dinner, his hand was almost too far up my leg, and well, I was game. During when my parents were making dessert (ambrosia, who even eats that anymore) I snuck upstairs with Ted to get busy. I didn’t really have any lube for a decent handjob and no condoms for sex (we were still a new couple, bless) so a blowjob it was. I was doing some fucking AMAZING work, maybe my finest. The trick is to use your tongue like it’s a screwdriver, either the tool or the ice-cream, I’m not really sure. But some twisting motion is good, don’t forget about the balls either. Soon enough, there was moaning and panting, I knew he was close.  

You know how you lose track of time when you’re down under?? Well soon fucking enough, my parents came upstairs to see what was taking us so long. They burst in, just as Ted was climaxing. It was like a scene from my worst nightmare. I was nose deep in balls, and I looked up, startled, cum  around my mouth and making eye contact with my dear mother. Ted quickly tried to cover himself up, but everything was on display, let’s be honest. My parents hurriedly closed the door and went downstairs. I was like FUCK, and not in the good way. Took a quick shower, brushed the teeth, arranged the clothes, but there was no hiding what had passed. In the end, all we could do was go downstairs, make awkward small talk and eat ambrosia. And let me tell you, ambrosia is 100x more awkward when you’ve been sucking cock for the better half of the evening. Wow, what a delicious cream-based dessert! Honestly, worst night of my life.  

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox