Horoscopes (vol 5)
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
You’ve mispronounced your own horoscope a few times… that’s okay because you’re a sweetie. Avoid arguments with your lover and head to a lingerie store. Stop pretending to be an adult and having coffee without milk, we know you don’t actually enjoy it. Let the beauty of the universe bring your wants and needs to the surface.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Last week you had a few meltdowns. Keep yourself busy and take up some baking. The turbulence coming won’t be as bad as what you’ll make it out to be! Relax, enjoy the beach, and for god’s sake stop screaming at your mother. Choking is only something to be enjoyed in the bedroom so please chew your food properly!
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You’ve done a big move lately and go you! Stop being so analytical of everything around you and start enjoying the awesome surroundings around you! The world’s in an average place but you’re not this week. Enjoy it and don’t be afraid to fart loudly in the library – it’s how you’re gonna make a new friend.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
You have a tendency to think that every encounter you have with someone has a sexual undertone to it – but it doesn’t. Be sure to scrub your nails so that you don’t give someone an infection when you touch them. On a positive note, you’re going to have a significantly happy day made by a special person this week, but again, don’t overthink it.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
It’s time to half the amount of hair product you’ve been using. You’re lookin’ fine! Strut your stuff and feel confident knowing that this week you will finally catch up on the last three weeks’ worth of lecture content. Believe it or not, there’s an opportunity waiting for you – if you come to uni without your undies on.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You’ve been to a few nice parties and complained about the music too much. This week, just stay the fuck at home and blast your D’n’B to your fucking self for once. Your spending account may be upsetting at the moment but don’t worry, your debts will be paid off soon.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
The food you’ve been sneaking from your flatties will be noticed if you continue your thieving spree. Take some time off social media to get off the screen, there’s going to be a shooting star that you cannot miss – be sure to wish for that assignment you’ve handed in to be marked by a kind marker.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Check the toilet each time you take a shit this week, moths are specifically attracted to you and will be waiting in that toilet bowl for you to sit down before they try to make contact. Reply to your messages, people are starting to get worried about you.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Your food will go off in your pantry and it will be terrible. Throwing out rotten fruit is a truly humbling experience. Try and compost if you can, or start giving food away to friends and family in the hopes of avoiding such disaster. The lemons will be the worst. They’re always the worst.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Crying after sex for not being able to cum will make your neighbours upset. Next time, take a deep breath. You’ll be surprised at the enjoyment you can get from not worrying about the climax so much. Going for a walk is a good way for you to think out your plan of attack for the new asshole that’s entered your life.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
You’re feeling pretty at the moment, and so you should, everyone loves your stupid eyes and they are going to come in handy this week. Failing a class already? Just stare at your lecturer and the A+’s will come. Eat less mi goreng, it’s turning your insides to custard. Try adding lavender to your luscious bath this week.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
You’ll receive a telephone call that will change your life. Whatever you do, resist the urge to drop out of university. Or, drop out, but at least keep reading Massive. It’s a form of education, of sorts.