The Best Chocolate Cake of All Time

Vegan, Gluten Free, Nut-free – it doesn’t matter what your dietary requirements are, this is the easiest failproof chocolate cake. You can legit make it from whatever you have. I’ve whipped this bad boy out birthday after birthday, for parties, office dos, and most recently for Cap. Cook’s Death Day. Versatile, and divine, you can’t go wrong. If you do fuck something up, as long as you add the missing ingredients before you add the hot water, she’ll be right. The worst I’ve ever done with this recipe is the time I was high on codeine and fell asleep. Long story short I had to cut off the top burnt layer and then just covered it in frosting and sprinkles. I’ll stand by this cake till the day I die.

CAKE INGREDIENTS  

• 1 cup plant milk 

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar (A lemon or lime also does the trick, but will make the cake more *zesty*) 

• 2 cups flour 

• If you’re using Gluten-Free Flour it may be a trial and error but I usually just add 1/3 more applesauce (or whatever substitute you’re using).  

• 1 3/4 cups granulated sugar 

• 3/4 cup cocoa powder (Don’t fucking use milo or hot chocolate mix, that is the only thing that will fuck up the recipe) 

• 2 teaspoons baking powder 

• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda 

• 1 teaspoon salt 

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil (canola is best, but coconut or olive is okay) 

• 2/3 cup applesauce 

• You can mash bananas, avocados, cooked sweet potatoes. If you still have frozen fruit in the back of your freezer from when you thought you were gonna be a gym bunny, use it up! Just chuck 1 ½ cup of it in a bowl and microwave it, it’ll boil down to 2/3 of a cup. Just remember to cool it down before you add to the recipe. Yoghurt, unflavoured mayo (sounds yuck but will work), or even nut butters.  

• 1 tablespoon vanilla essence (Instant coffee with a tablespoon of water works, or a tablespoon of leftover coffee from the plunger) 

• 1 cup boiling water 

FROSTING INGREDIENTS  

• 1 cup cocoa powder 

• 1 1/2 cups margarine or coconut oil  

• 4 cups icing sugar 

• 2 teaspoons vanilla essence 

• 1/4-1/2 cup plant milk 

CAKE RECIPE  

1. Line large cake tin or two smaller tins with marg/ oil or baking paper.  

2. Preheat oven to 180 degrees on fan bake.  

3. Mix Plant Milk and Apple Cider Vinegar, set aside. 

4. In a large bowl, add the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Whisk well to combine. 

5. To the flour bowl, add the oil, applesauce, vanilla and the plant milk/vinegar mixture. Mix with a big spoon or spatula.  

6. Add boiling water, and mix slowly with a whisk again. Will be very runny, but bear with me.  

7. Pour into cake tin(s). Do not fill more than halfway up.  

8. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick/skewer inserted in the middle comes out clean. Don’t open the oven door, this’ll make the cake collapse.  

9. Let cool for ten minutes and then remove from cake tin(s).  

10. Remove from tin(s) and let cool entirely before frosting.  

FROSTING RECIPE  

1. Wipe out the large bowl from the cake.  

2. Add the cocoa powder, and whisk. 

3. If you’re a rich kid, take out the hand mixer your mum gave you.  

4. If not, add the margarine and mix it with a big spoon or spatula till well combined.  

5. Chuck in half the icing sugar, and half the plant milk. Mix! 

6. Add the other half of the sugar, the vanilla essence and then mix mix mix! 

7. If it looks drippy, add more sugar. If it looks too dry, add the rest of the milk. It should look fluffy and soft, so fuck around with the mix till you’re happy.  

8. Frost the cake by spooning frosting onto the cooled cake.  

9. Decorate sprinkles, chocolate chips or whatever other shit you want, ya hedonistic bastards.