How-to-adult: Parallel Parking
Parallel Parking
From one queer to another, here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fucking parallel park. Trust me, I’ve only backed into my flatmate’s car while parking once (that she knows of, shhh), so I consider myself an authority on this matter.
Step One: Have a car
I know that’s already stumped most of you, but notice I didn’t say your car, just any ol’ car will do. Let’s just hope your mate has insurance…
Step Two: Finding a spot
You can’t park a car when there aren't any carparks, so track down an empty space and hope to hell you’re gonna fit. Sorry to the power bottoms, but this tight fit will have to be the right size, not something you can lube your way into.
Step Three: Lining it up
You’ll want to get as close to the car in front of your space as possible, with your wing mirror just in line with the back of the drivers’ side door.
Step Four: Check your account balance
You’re poor as it is, a look into the dwindling savings you’ve dug into for iced coffees and tickets to parties. Good, now you know the stakes. Take a deep breath and proceed with caution.
Step Five: Backing in
Turn your wheel as far left as it’ll go and slooooooowwly back up until you’re on a 45-degree angle with the car ahead. From there, straighten up your steering wheel (good luck with that) and keep backing in until you stop seeing the curb in your left wing-mirror. Now turn your wheel as far right as it’ll go, and ease back slowly until-CRUNCH.
Step Six: Panic
Oh god, oh fuck, what have you done? Like being the little spoon in a one night stand you’ve slid your ass too far back and bumped into something hard. Not again. Please god no. Remember that account balance? You can’t afford this shit. What’re you gonna do?
Step Seven: Disappear
Abandon ship. Drive off, hope to god no one saw you and posted it up on vic deals. Change your name, shave your head, move to another part of the country and pretend this bastardly expedition never happened.
Finally: Learn
For fuck’s sake… How did you not know this was going to happen? Next time just get a damn uber.