Sexcapades (vol 4)

Right, okay so, every gal loves a cheeky one-night stand am I right? Like who can be bothered with the whole feelings thing. I’m more of a shift my way through town, or on a silly Tinder date to get laid, but this time was different. This was a turn up at my house without meeting situation. Almost my wet dream.   

Supposedly, he was a 6 ft Irish doctor. He looked decent from his insta. Didn’t really matter tho did it? He was Irish. 

Anyways, he upto’s me on a random Wednesday for a pre-midnight bang cause he was leaving the next morning to go to Thailand. I opened the door to find more of a leprechaun than Jamie Dornan. I walk him to my room and turn to see if he’d come through the bedroom door yet and he leans forward and kisses me. Not in the romantic way. I mean the lights are still fucking on. Who does that??? He guides me to my bed (yes, the lights are still on) and undresses himself. Guess it was time for me to play catch up. 

I don’t often have time for pleasantries, but if you’re gonna penetrate me, at least say hello. 

So, we’re having the worst sex you can dream of, and part way through he goes “is this working from you?”, like mate, surely you can tell it’s not doing anything let’s be real. We stop and lie there butt naked next to each other barely saying anything. Finally, I pluck the courage up and suggest he “go home to finish packing”. 

This may just be the weirdest 6 minutes of my life. 

Then he text me about 30 minutes later with a cheeky “it’s not you, it’s me”.  

 
Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox