Sexcapades (vol 3)

Pulled a chick in town last week. She was fun, flirty, and we did tequila shots in San Fran until 2am. Like a solid 10. Mostly talked about Artic Monkeys, from what I remember. The boys were all giving me shit about it, but thankfully she didn’t notice. Split an uber back to hers, and that’s where the night began. We fucked a couple of times, it was good fun, she did even something very impressive with her legs at one point. Ended the romp on a blowjob and a kiss goodnight, then rolled over to coma out.  

Woke up at midday, dry-mouthed and dusty as fuck. The light was blinding, I was so thirsty that I would have sucked my own dick at that point, just to hydrate my mouth. Looked over my shoulder, the babe was still there. Sleeping so solid, like I almost thought she was dead. And that’s when I noticed it. She was sleeping in a puddle of her own urine. Like piss. On her fucking bedsheets. The room stank.  

If I wasn’t so hungover, I would have clambered out of the bed that second. But I was genuinely still trying to process what was happening. My head was pounding. And that’s when I noticed it. I had also pissed myself. Fuck, I was soaking in it. My dick was as damp as a bathroom mat, and not from the sex. Thankfully I wasn’t wearing any clothes but god, it was bad. I didn’t know what to do. Do I wake the girl up and laugh about the mutual situation we’d both found ourselves in? Share some common ground? Was this a sign that she was the one?  

Honestly, I kinda wish that I had. Instead I sprinted out of there, took a shower and left the girl to wake up alone. I hoped that she would kinda think that she had just done a massive piss, instead of the truth. If this sounds like you, I’m sorry. I also pissed myself. I just wanted you to know the truth.  

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox