Horoscopes (vol 2)

Aries: 

You’ll skip a couple of lecturers this week. The streets are your classroom. Or more accurately, Netflix and bed. Whatever! You’re 2 kwl for skwl.  Lean into your bad-boy image, invest in a leather jacket or something idk.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Scrumpy  

Taurus: 

Stop getting addicted to nicotine, you fucking idiot. 

Your choice of alcohol this week: Flame beer  
Gemini: 

Text that hottie in your class. Then text that other cutie. Then go on Tinder whilst you’re at it. It’s a numbers game, babe.   
Your choice of alcohol this week: Gordon’s Pink Gin  

Cancer: 

You’ll develop a new kink. Good luck, it’s not exactly the most socially conventional.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: The cheapest white wine that New World stocks  

Leo:  

You’ll have a massive come-down that will almost make you want to give up your partying ways, but next weekend you’ll be out grinding your teeth to Benee all over again.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Tequila shots!!  

Libra:  

You’ll do all your homework and still feel unfulfilled. Is there more to life than school, you ponder? Why are grades so important to you? What is the Calibri (Body) meaning of life? Time to dig deep.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Cocaine  

Scorpio: 

You’ll discover a terrible secret and immediately forget it. Please do your laundry.  
 
Your choice of alcohol this week: Pals Vodka and Soda  

Sagittarius: 

There’ll be some heartbreak this week. Your parents will cancel your Netflix subscription. Don’t get an Amazon Prime account, no matter what free trials they’re offering.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: VB’s 

Capricorn: 

Consider adding some cheese to your usual 2-minute noodles. You just might be surprised.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Smirnoff Ice  

Aquarius: 

The itch down there will grow. Resist the urge to scratch. Get an STD check, urgently. Text your mum back whilst you’re at it. It’s nice to spread the love.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Lime Cruiser  

Virgo:  

Blowjobs just aren’t doing it for you this week. Consider ass-play.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Coruba Rum  

Pisces:  

Life is hard sometimes. But remember how delicious buttered toast is. Keep that thought close to you in these tough times.  

Your choice of alcohol this week: Part Time Rangers