Horoscopes (vol 7)

Aries: Stop drinking energy drinks. I beg you. You’re so close to shitting yourself, and you don’t even know it. It’s gonna be in your favourite pants. Sometimes knowing the future is horrifying.  

Taurus: Shoplifting will be on your mind this week. Don’t ignore your natural urges. Just remember, it’s not theft if it’s from big corporations.  

Gemini: That assignment you’re working on? Fucking leave it. Not worth it. Trust me.  

Cancer: Stop being so horny, it’s getting weird. Sure, your flatmate’s dad is hot, but he also has a secret past. Keep your shirt on, best let sleeping dogs lie.  

 Leo: Stop hooning your mate’s vape. They actually hate it. They’ve been meaning to say something to you about it.  

Virgo: You’re gonna come into some money this week. Cha-ching! You’ll blow it on a night out almost immediately, and you won’t remember a thing. But you’ll be pretty sure that black-out you had a mean time.  

Libra: Wear tight jeans this week. With that ass, you’d be a fool not to flaunt it.  

Scorpio: Your crush will tell you that they’ve been sleeping their ex. Catch flights, not feelings. Consider a day trip to Hamilton.  

Sagittarius: Drink lots of water, fucking hell you’re dehydrated. Then take a nap and repeat. God, does a shitty horoscope really have to do your self-care work for you?? Download an app or something, babe.  

Capricorn: Take some cute pictures, I guarantee you’ll get a new DP out of it. Or at the very least, a cover photo. Don’t be shy. Next week is not gonna be a good skin week.  

 Aquarius: Go into university sometime. Your lecturers are concerned. Maybe even wear a nametag, just so they know who you are.  

Pisces: You’re doing great sweetie. Fucking perfect. I’ll see you next week. Love ya.