Spinster woman seeks desperate man

Personally, cooking is one of the true wonders of my life. A bit of fried fish with lemon, what could compare? Cold pizza on the morning of an eye-gorging hangover, my true one love. But it’s not always a walk in the park.

I was a young 16-year-old girl wearing my kmart boutique jumpsuit and my leather converse school shoes, it was going to be a fabulous night.

Aquarius: In a fit of munchies, you’ll make a bizarre but wonderful meal this week. Make sure to take a picture of it, this is a dish you don’t want to forget.

Another week, another chance for me to humiliate myself in the pursuit of a boyfriend.

Eventually we all ended up in his bed, us guys on each end of her body. It was pretty hot but I couldn’t stop looking at his massive dick.

I don’t know where I got the idea for this hot chocolate recipe. Maybe someone mentioned it in a conversation? Is this something I saw on the internet? Do I have any original thoughts anymore?? I don’t know, but I’m glad I found it.

Scorpio: Hats are not your thing. I’m sorry! They just don’t suit you! Please, stop!

The guy was staring at me, wide-eyed, not blinking, and just gently rubbing his nipples.

I cook, I know in my heart of hearts that if I was ordering this at a restaurant it would be five hundred times better. But not when I’m cooking pasta. When I’m cooking pasta, my heart sings

If you feel uncomfortable with our last cover, think about why. Re-examine your internalised (or not-so-internal) sexism. Free the fucking nip, it’s 2021. Free the pubic hair. Free it all.

Taurus: Arrange a date this week. It’s time to put yourself out there, for better or for worse. Probably for worse, let’s face it.  

You know the drill, wake up, make a shitty instant coffee, sink a cone and debate whether or not it’s worth coming into uni when suddenly… FUCK the landlord just texted reminding you of your flat inspection today, and it’s a wreck.

Mix up your question with some names, from “What do you want to do now, baby?” to a “Do you want to fuck me, daddy?” or even a “I want you to ruin me till I’m shaking with every inch, master”

Stop watching so much porn, seriously. It’s not healthy. We’re worried about you.

I have a guilty confession: I like to sleep naked, and somethings I leave skid marks.

Bananas are the bane of my existence. I always buy a bunch on my Monday arvo shop; thinking this will finally be the week I start making healthy detox smoothies.

This is my go-to recipe for impressing my friends. It’s simple, fuck, I mean it’s two-minute noodles, but it’s delicious and intriguingly, dare I say, fancy?