Horoscopes (vol 14)

Aries: Do. The. Dishes. This is actually your flatmate writing this. Yep, we fucking hacked into Massive, bitch. Just to tell you this. This is your final warning!!  

This week’s depression meal: Cold tinned spaghetti.  

Taurus: Start going to the supermarket late at night. It’s just nicer there, and you’ll stop running into fuckers from high school.  

This week’s depression meal: Dry toast.  

Gemini: Reconsider your anger towards the vending machines. Yes, they’ve changed the selection. But ask yourself, why do you feel such rage? Perhaps it’s time to go back to therapy.  

This week’s depression meal: Coco Pops.  

Cancer: Throw out that spinach in your fridge. Let’s face it, you’re not going to eat it, and it’s just rotting at this point.  

This week’s depression meal: Three Macca’s chocolate milkshakes from UberEats. 

Leo: You’ll begin to embrace the wonders of a slow cooker. It makes food whilst you’re out all day! Also, use sunscreen, we’re all aging horribly here.  

This week’s depression meal: Grated cheese.  

Virgo: Stop watching cooking videos on YouTube and actually make something yourself. Yes, this is a call out.  

This week’s depression meal: Two-minute noodles.  

Libra: Rediscover your love of baking. From edibles, to lemon sponge cake, you’ve got this. Just do something other than watching Netflix all day, I beg of thee.  

This week’s depression meal: Leftover pizza.  

Scorpio: If you steal your flatmates food this week, they won’t notice, I promise. Next week, however, is a different story.  

This week’s depression meal: Doritos.  

Sagittarius: Start bringing a packed lunch to uni. It’s time.  

This week’s depression meal: Diet Coke and a good hoon on the vape. 

Capricorn: This week is not your week for any attempts in the kitchen. Don’t even think about it. Just stick with the brand-name packaged shit, at least for the next seven days.  

This week’s depression meal: Fancy ice cream that you can’t afford but you still buy.   

Aquarius: In a fit of munchies, you’ll make a bizarre but wonderful meal this week. Make sure to take a picture of it, this is a dish you don’t want to forget.  

This week’s depression meal: Cheese toastie with the WORKS.  

Pisces: Your local dairy owner knows your name, so why not learn theirs? There’s a budding friendship to be found in your late-night snack runs.  

This week’s depression meal: Eggs. Just all the eggs. Scrambled, poached, fried, you name it.