How to Adult: Sussing the flat inspection
By Liam McGuire
You know the drill, wake up, make a shitty instant coffee, sink a cone and debate whether or not it’s worth coming into uni when suddenly… FUCK the landlord just texted reminding you of your flat inspection today, and it’s a wreck. Dirty bongs, stained carpets, a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned since you moved in. It’s a big job and you’re cooked to cloud nine, but it’s gotta be done.
First: The Smell
Oh God, the smell. Open all the windows, then run around like a headless chicken holding that bottle of bathroom perfume. Fumigate every room, seep it into the pores of the walls. Better the landlord thinks the place smells like “citrus bloom” than getting a whiff of the underlying smell of weed permeating every surface. Take out the trash and get rid of all that mouldy food in the fridge, because it’s really not helping the smell situation.
Next: The Floors
It’s common knowledge that during inspections, property managers and landlords can’t go through cupboards and drawers to check their condition. So, go through every room, pile up all the shit on the floor and stuff it into the nearest available storage space. The wardrobe, the bathroom cabinet, hell the goddamn pantry, they won’t look in there. The important thing is it’s not just sitting there for everyone to see. Bongs too, empty the water (outside, not in the kitchen sink you twat, you’ll never get rid of the smell in time), then hide them away as well as you can.
Then: Surfaces
The pile of dishes in the kitchen, the lighters and scales on the coffee table, that baggie of gear just sitting on your nightstand. If it’s visible, it’s a problem. Now I’m not saying you actually have to clean them, just clear it all, scoop everything that shouldn’t be there into your laundry basket then hide it with some loose clothing. I’m sure they won’t go digging in there. And besides, what better way to mask the smell of week-old unwashed dishes than dirty socks and undies
After That: Strategic Placement
Got a stain on the carpet? What a perfect place to scooch the couch or the coffee table. Mark on the bathroom wall? Sit the toilet brush in front of it. Anything that can be hidden, hide it. Out of sight, out of mind, out of the property manager’s watchful eye.
Finally: Actual Cleaning
I know, I know, you can’t be fucked, but sorry mate it’s gotta be done. Anything that can’t be covered up, stashed away, or hidden does need to be actually cleaned. That soap scum in the shower? You’re gonna have to scrub it. The kitchen counter? Definitely needs a wipe. Skid-marks need a brush and floors need a vacuum if yours is working. Sorry kiddo but this isn’t something with a cheat code.
When They Arrive:
Act sober. Or just leave the flat for the inspection but if your anxiety is as rampant as mine, knowing they could poke around your place when you’re not here is a little too alarming to let slide. Surely, they won’t mind you wearing sunnies inside, right? And for God’s sake brush your damn teeth, you smell like month-old bong water.