Horoscopes (vol 12)

Aries: Stop focusing so much on your past. Think about your future! Or, more specifically, your exam results!! Please, study.  

Taurus: Arrange a date this week. It’s time to put yourself out there, for better or for worse. Probably for worse, let’s face it.  

Gemini: The stars tell me that DRAMA is coming your way. Secrets will be spilled, friendships broken. Time to bring the fucking receipts out of storage. Screenshot, screenshot, screenshot!  

Cancer: Go on, do a cheeky nang. Losing some brain cells will help you get through the week. Carry some balloons in your pockets at all times, just in case.  

Leo: You have unexplored feelings for a close friend. Maybe it’s time for a vibe check, a little salsa dance or two. Oh, it’s so exciting!  

Virgo: You will only have a good week if you manage to consume exactly 13 packets of chips. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  

Libra: Stop, collaborate and listen! No seriously, fucking listen. The trees will show you the way.  

Scorpio: Stress Eczema is the hot, new accessory and you’re rocking it, babe! 

Sagittarius: Whoever said money can’t buy happiness is wrong. Keep buying those disposable vapes, a little headrush is all the happiness you need.  

Capricorn: The weather is cold, stay indoors and cuddle up. Get a good TV show going, grab the popcorn, you know the drill. Lectures can wait.... indefinitely.  

Aquarius: Stop being a fucking dick. Turn over a new leaf by bringing your friends a lovely mug of coffee. Mmm.  

Pisces: Masturbation is on your mind this week, and the answer is YES. Yes, you can jack off in the library bathrooms! Just keep it chill, quiet, don’t make others uncomfortable. But what happens in a locked stall is between yourself and God.