Solicited advice is a weekly column where an underqualified anonymous guru answers the questions you want answered.

Horoscopes March 7

Horoscopes for the week of the 28th of February.

Confessions of a is an anonymous column that looks to unearth viewpoints from unique individuals at Massey University.

Welcome to the Worst of the Worst Movie Reviews. Every week I’ll be watching the worst rated movies on Rotten Tomatoes so you don’t have to.

With open arms and numb fingers from the broken AC in our office, I welcome you all back to the sanctuary of student news, the haven of hot gossip, Massive Magazine. Over the summer break, you may have seen some controversy surrounding our magazine’s editorial independence. Today, after not being asked to share the first magazine with any old people, I can confidently announce we are as editorially independent as ever!

Solicited advice is a weekly column where an underqualified anonymous guru answers the questions you want answered. This won’t include the stock-standard, sugar-coated advice you’re used to hearing – we’re talking about the truths that are REALLY on your mind.

Hello, friends. What a year it’s been. The last issue of Massive! Can you believe it?

Sagittarius: Your study planner is so pretty Sag! So was the one you made last week! How about actually following it now??

Aries, this week make sure you take care with who you choose to bitch about your flatmates to.

Massive - please help me find this incredible hottie so we can pick up from where we left off. Please.

This is a bit of a fancy one. Good for having guests over or if you’re feeling a bit boujee!

Sstudent election season is a sad, empty shell of itself. It would be comical if it wasn’t so ... disappointing.

CRUNCH!

Massive, my worst nightmare came true. Let me set the scene.

Last night, I experienced a kick of nostalgia for old gaming sites I used to fuck around on.

Aquarius: I want you to try your very best this week to actually listen to people. People know when you’re not listening and if you don’t start at least pretending to care you can say goodbye to your Friday night drinks invite. We both know you don’t want that.

She treated my dick as if it were a motherfucking popsicle.

Taurus: You can talk all the shit you want to about the Met Gala, but you know what? Sure, maybe only a few of the celebrities “understood the assignment” but that doesn’t mean you do. Literally. Start studying.