Horoscopes vol. 22
Libra: Uh oh, Libra, I’m sensing a shift in the balance of the scales. Lots of social activity is coming your way and, with that, some old feelings from an old love may resurface. Do not – under any circumstances, no matter what they say – give this love all your attention. We both know they don’t deserve it.
TV show recommendation: Sex Education.
Scorpio: Scorpio, babes, I love how you bend the rules and cheat the system. I’m give you forewarning now though: You will not finesse your final assessments the way you did last year. Stop reading this immediately and do some real fucking work.
TV show recommendation: Squid Game.
Sagittarius: With lockdowns easing up, it’s time to put your money where your mouth was when you were coming up with all your long-term goals during Level 4. Get that gym membership! Stop sleeping with that one asshole! Eat some spinach! I believe in you, Sagittarius.
TV show recommendation: Money Heist.
Capricorn: Just because the zodiac TikToks always forget about you doesn’t mean you’re a wallflower. This week, do something to remind you of the #girlboss you are! Stop cleaning up your flatmates’ dishes! Leave the seat up! Ask to speak to a manager! You got this, Capricorn.
TV show recommendation: Cooking with Paris.
Aquarius: Aquarius, I want you to try your very best this week to actually listen to people. People know when you’re not listening and if you don’t start at least pretending to care you can say goodbye to your Friday night drinks invite. We both know you don’t want that.
TV show recommendation: Love on the Spectrum.
Pisces: No, Pisces, that person who smiled at you on Saturday night is not harbouring an intense crush for you. And that barista who gave you a large instead of a regular is not having sex dreams about you. Focus on the actual love you have in your life like, oh, I don’t know, your partner?
TV show recommendation: Below Deck.
Aries: This week, your flatmate will ask if you know who used the last of their cheese. Own up, Aries. And be nice about it. You stole their cheese, not the other way around. Go to the supermarket and buy them some more. No need to make a scene.
TV show recommendation: Sex, Love, and goop.
Taurus: There's only a few more weeks left in the academic year. I know you’ve been trying very hard to be patient with others all year, don’t let it go to shit now. Deep breaths, Taurus. Let’s try to go into summer on a good note with all of our friends, yeah?
TV show recommendation: Euphoria.
Gemini: This week, you're going to find out some very exciting news. Perhaps about a summer internship you applied for, perhaps you got an A+ on that bitch of an assignment. Whatever it is, Gemini, you deserve it. Just don’t forget about your mates who've done shit. Give them some hype, too.
TV show recommendation: Love is Blind.
Cancer: I’m sensing some seriously good omens for you, Cancer! This week, you’re not going to cry. Not even one little tear while you watch the last episode of Sex Education. You’re a force to be reckoned with this week. Make sure you do something bad ass like getting a nipple piercing so you never forget how hot you are.
TV show recommendation: Handmaid’s Tale.
Leo: Leo, Leo, Leo. I’m getting really sick and tired of your shit. Do something this week to change your vibes. Here’s a suggestion: Scrub your skid marks off the toilet once you’ve taken a shit! It takes two seconds and is a big step in the direction of you becoming less of a cunt. With love <3
TV show recommendation: Game of Thrones.
Virgo: Spring has sprung, Virgo! You’re about to thrive like you’ve never thrived before! Take chances, live life. Nothing but good vibes are coming your way. Go frolic in a field of sunflowers or something, idk.
TV show recommendation: Love Island (Season 1).