Horoscopes (vol. 21)

Leo: You’re going to shit your pants this week. That’s all.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Baby wipes. 

Virgo: The thing that you’ve been stressing about for the past few weeks will resolve itself. Relax. It’s going to be okay.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Candles.  

Libra: You’ll finally win one of those dumb mini promos from all those soft drinks you buy. Someone’s got a golden ticket!  

Fun lil thing to buy: Weed gummies. 

 Scorpio: Mmm. You smell that? That’s fire and you’re PLAYING with it, babe. You know exactly what you’re doing. Only stop if you want to, not even the stars can interfere x  

Fun lil thing to buy: Crotchless underwear. 

Sagittarius: Kiss lots of girls this week! That’s an order.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Cherry-flavoured lip balm. 

Capricorn: Maybe take it easy on the green stuff this week? Your head space is all out of whack, bro. Time for some good ol’ fashioned sober mindfulness.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Cupcake ingredients.  

Aquarius: Write that motherfucking novel. Paint that picture. Time is fleeting and it’s time to create something.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Disposable camera. 

Pisces: Ummm, this is awkward to bring up but you’re watching too much porn. Yeah. Maybe just tone it back a bit? Let’s not make this a whole big thing.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Chewing gum. 

Aries: Post a thirst trap this week and ye shall be rewarded.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Coloured light bulb. 

Taurus: You can talk all the shit you want to about the Met Gala, but you know what? Sure, maybe only a few of the celebrities “understood the assignment” but that doesn’t mean you do. Literally. Start studying.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Scented highlighters. 

Gemini: Take a good walk this week, get out of the house! If you’re not in lockdown, do a small roadie. Explore your horizons.  

Fun lil thing to buy: Sexy sandals. 

Cancer: Your life will change this month. Hang in there, kid. You got this.  

Fun lil thing to buy: $1 bag of lollies from the local dairy.