Solicited Advice

Solicited advice is a weekly column where an underqualified anonymous guru answers the questions you want answered. This won’t include the stock-standard, sugar-coated advice you’re used to hearing – we’re talking about the truths that are REALLY on your mind. 

Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered? DM Massive Magazine on Instagram and look out for next week's issue. Also, follow us while you’re at it x 
 

When is honesty not the best policy?  

Lie to people's faces, then be mean in private - if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all… to them. Being hateful and resentful is an important and intrinsic part of human life. While being mean in private is good, deceiving people into thinking you are nice is the cherry on top - you get to be mean and deceptive. You get to feel good, and they get to feel good. Win, win. Sometimes when someone is wearing a really ugly outfit, I will go out of my way to compliment it. Just make sure when you're mean in private, it's to someone you can trust - like me. So, please DM us on Insta bullying people for me to enjoy, bonus points if you are complimentary in person. 
 

How to make friends at 21?  

The stock standard answer is always to join a club, but clubs are for weirdos, Christians and people who wear lanyards. I suggest you just go out of your way to chat with people and if you vibe, ask them on a friend date (if they say no pretend it was a dare from your ‘friends’ (that you don't have)). It feels scary but I've had pretty good success with this. It's so flattering to be asked out as a friend and is so ego fueling. Like if you got a message from someone, you'd chatted with saying ‘hey this is weird but can we hang out hehe’, they'd be so gassed. Just behave how you'd want someone to behave if they were trying to befriend you. If you can't make friends after this advice… maybe self-reflect.  

How to stop picking your nose?  

Um… you tell me... It's so yummy.