Horoscopes vol. 23

Libra: Celebrations are on for you, Libra! Don’t stress about upcoming final assessments and exams, take this week to really let loose. Trust me. You’ll have heaps of time next week to make up for lost study time. No need to stress just yet.  

Flower of the week: Rose. 

Scorpio: Don’t be afraid to tell your flatmates how you’re really feeling this week, Scorpio. You need to be brave and tell that one bitch to clean their dishes, otherwise you’re going to internalise all your anger and have a really shit last month or so in the flat.  

Flower of the week: Geranium. 

Sagittarius: The stars tell me that if there was ever a week to take a big risk it would be this week. High risk, high reward, baby. Tell that person you’re in love with them. Ask that waitress for her number. Email your lecturer for an extension. You’ve got this. 

Flower of the week: Carnation. 

Capricorn: I know you’ve been grinding hard recently, Cappy, and I’m really proud of you. Just make sure you remember to step out into the Spring sunshine and maybe pick a flower or two. You can’t smell the roses through a computer screen, bestie. Go and live. 

Flower of the week: Violet. 

Aquarius: So, you wanted to do an OE but Covid came in and fucked all your plans up for after uni. Babes, I feel you. But do not apply for postgraduate for the sake of it now. Paying to be sad and stressed for another year? Not really your vibe, is it Aquarius? Buy a van and travel the South Island. Be free. 

Flower of the week: Orchid. 

Pisces: Pisces, babe, you really need to stop flirting with other people in front of your partner. And stop talking about your exes all of the time. Your partner knows you’re hot, but you’re kind of making it seem like anyone would be better but them. Play nice. 

Flower of the week: Daffodil. 

Aries: Aries, this week make sure you take care with who you choose to bitch about your flatmates to. I have it on good authority that one of your friends is secretly hooking up with your flatmate, and it would be really bad if any shit talking got back to them. Tread carefully.  

Flower of the week: Honeysuckle. 

Taurus: You’re so cool and hot and perfect and smart and talented and better than everyone else in every way. Keep doing what you’re doing, bestie. 

Flower of the week: Foxglove. 

Gemini: Don’t let anyone make you feel like gossiping is a bad thing, Gemini. It actually has many proven benefits such as relieving stress and building friendships. Whoever says they don’t gossip is a big, fat liar. In fact, the stars tell me there is some really juicy gossip coming your way this week. Enjoy! 

Flower of the week: Lavender. 

Cancer: Yep babes, it’s time. Buy some dirt-cheap wine, get some ice cream (it’s a good chaser), and listen to 2014 Sam Smith. It’s the best balance of cheap and effective therapy. IT FEELS FUCKING GOOD TO CRY. Oh, and clean your sheets this week if you get a chance.  

Flower of the week: Water Lily. 

Leo: Call your grandparents this week, Leo. They’re really old, they love you a lot, and they just want to have a yarn. You love talking about yourself and grandparents love to hear it. So don’t be a dick and pick up the phone. It’s been way too long.  

Flower of the week: Sunflower. 

Virgo: Your friends call you picky, you say you have standards. And you are absolutely right, Virgo. Whatever you do this week, don’t succumb to your friends’ pressure and drop your standards for a sub-par root. Keep your head high bestie, The One is closer than you think.  

Flower of the week: Buttercup.