The Ultimate Frozen Coke Review
Apart from the large being pushed up from $1 to $1.50 (I’ll forever be mad about this), there’s no denying that a Fro-Co from Maccas goes HARD for every occasion. Dusty from Saturday night kick-ons? Get a Fro-Co to revive yourself from the dead. Just got broken up with? Instead of sucking the dick of a mediocre man you reluctantly find on Tinder, suck from the straw of a Fro-Co instead. There’s literally NO bad time to have a Fro-Co (don’t even try to change my mind).
Recently, McDonalds decided to add different mix-in flavours to their Frozen Cokes. Yes, one could argue that this is a direct duplicate from Burger King, but I’m a loyal Maccas fan through and through so I choose to blissfully ignore that. I was curious as to what each of these new flavours would taste like, and thought why not make it into a journalistic adventure?
There are seven flavours available: vanilla, pineapple, blueberry, raspberry, grape, lime, and mango. However, it says there was a peach flavour too, but when I asked for it at Princess St, they said ‘we don’t actually do that flavour anymore’. I’m still unconvinced that this is a true statement, and I’m pissed because peach is my weakness. However, me and my best friend Nancy set out on a mission to sample every flavour, review them all, and rank them based on taste in an orderly fashion from 1-7, with 7 being the worst and 1 the best.
7: VANILLA:
Like my speedy dick appointment the other night, I was left extremely disappointed with this flavour. You’d think that this would be the best one, considering Vanilla Coke is a creation sent from the heavens. But this shit was as bland as every white boy trying to embark on their Soundcloud career. It was as boring as my sex life before I discovered the Satisfyer Pro, which is a dark time in my life to discuss. It was just the most BASIC shit, lacking just as much flavour as Nancy’s taste in men. Skip buying this drink, and splurge a couple more dollars on a real Vanilla Coke instead.
As Nancy so eloquently quoted, ‘this shit is flat as fuck’, giving it a pathetic 2/10.
6: MANGO:
The only thing setting this flavour above the vanilla is the fact that it actually stimulated the taste buds in some sense. Apart from that, this shit is fucking disgusting. As soon as it hit my lips, I got the urge to spit it out (wow, another reference to my speedy dick appointment). I know that everything from Maccas is filled with chemicals, but damn, they couldn’t at least TRY to make this shit taste a little less artificial?? I wanted to feel like a God from the tropics had just busted in my mouth, but it just felt like I was force-fed the toxic juices of a crusty man instead.
Therefore, we bestow it a mild 3/10.
5: LIME:
Holy fuck, I was instantly transported back to Year 11 shed parties in Southland with this flavour, and not in a good way. Flashbacks of my backpack clinking with lime Cruisers as I snuck past my mum, trying to skull them (and failing miserably) at 16 years old, and then running to the bathrooms to vomit a pool of bright-green because I couldn’t stomach the sweetness. For Nancy, this flavour reminded her of the same drink, but in everyone’s favourite club - the Daily. Too many drunken nights, transferring money out of her savings to get her hands on that sweet green liquid cos that’s one of the only RTDs of choice from the limited selection. When I asked her to try it a second time, she blatantly refused. If you have a traumatic experience with lime Cruisers, consider this a trigger warning.
Lime will bring back all the memories, which made us want to give it a 4/10. But, reflecting on that time is kinda iconic, bumping it up to a 4.5.
4: BLUEBERRY:
Another flavour sparking memories of Cruisers, oh the joys! This flavour was slightly more tolerable, a little bit more muted than the previous fruity tastes which was quite the relief. However, that didn’t stop the Cruiser flashbacks AGAIN for both me and Nancy. Seeing as New Zealand is notorious for sinking an entire box of sickly RTDs, I think there will be a whole lot of people in the same boat. However, maybe you have a good experience with these flavours. Maybe they remind you of happier times, taking you back to simpler days when your biggest worry was finding an 18-year-old to suss your drinks for the weekend. If that’s the case, go forth my friend. Reminisce a little bit, indulge in that nostalgia. You deserve it, queen. 6/10 for nostalgic value.
3: RASPBERRY:
Raspberry & coke is just a classic combo, we all know this to be true. Therefore, this mesh of flavours slid down the throat with absolute ease. You literally just can’t go wrong with this choice, in our opinion anyway. If you’re not really into strong citrus flavours, but you still want something a little bit more refreshing than a normal Fro-Co, this beauty is definitely the way to go. However, seeing as it is a typical fusion you see often, it was expected that we would enjoy this.
Nothing surprising or out of the ordinary, therefore it’s ranked at a respectable third place, and a strong 7/10 on the scale.
2: GRAPE:
UGHHHH, this flavour is a literal Hubba Bubba wet dream. It is very fucking lucky that they didn’t have this in stock when I started high school, because 14-year-old me would’ve spent my weekly allowance purely on this drink. It packs such a punch, but it didn’t make us want to spew our guts out. It was powerful and delicious, and it literally made us feel like children again.
I’m tempted to go and spend my savings on a collection of grape Hubba Bubba bubble tape after this delightful experience, with the childlike aura prompting a solid 8/10.
1: PINEAPPLE:
I hate pineapple-flavoured anything. I always have. I went into this review expecting to rank this at the lowest possible point, already knowing I was going to despise the drink. But I was proven very very wrong. I LOVED THIS FLAVOUR WITH MY ENTIRE HEART. Both me and Nancy found the pineapple to be extremely invigorating, tasting exactly like a Fruju from the dairy on a hot summer’s day. It was full of flavour, but again not to the point where we felt violently ill.
10/10, chef’s kiss, iconic, legendary. Truly the best choice out of the 7.