The Golden Ratio

The Golden Ratio is a mysterious and elusive entity, much like the female orgasm or what’s really in my MDMA. No not that Golden Ratio, sad design students. In studentlore, the Golden Ratio is, essentially, is one dollar per standard unit of alcohol. This is about getting the best bang for your buck, nothing else. Often we, as simple students, forget such principles and lose sight of the Golden Ratio. Sometimes for taste, such as enjoying white wine over red or having a favourite brand of beer, but mostly because we’re all not very good at maths, which is why we’re at Massey University. Our one collective shame.  

Massive went out on a quest to find, and conquer, such a beast. For the purposes of simplicity, I’m sticking with a supermarket over a liquor store, specifically Countdown because it is close to my house lol. I also chose to ignore prices on special; those are flimsy, irrelevant pieces of data. Original pricing stands the true test of time.  

Taste is not a concern for me, and nor should it for anyone who swallows semen or drinks vodka. We are long past the point of expensive, cute label RTDs that goes towards fucking saving elephants or sharks. Those elephants don’t need that money, I do. We are poor, downtrodden students looking to sink enough piss to, quite probably, piss ourselves in our living rooms. Cheap booze is the name of the game. The Golden Ratio our home-run. Batter up.  

CIDER:  
Cider has some fond memories for me, a personal favourite from my time as a fresher. It’s just sweet enough to wash away all the bitter memories of my high-school boyfriend breaking up with me. Doing scrumpy hands - taping a bottle of scrumpy to both hands - literally stopped me from texting him. Good times.  

To pinpoint our best bet here, automatically we need to discard any single cans. I’m sorry Rekorderlig, you’re delicious but deadly on the wallet. Paying upwards of $5 for a 1-2 standard drink is blasphemous in our quest for the truth. Boxes of cider cans/bottles didn’t fare much better. Take Isaac’s cider for example, a 12-bottle wonder, coming in at a pretty meh $1.47. I don’t even WANT to talk about Seltzer’s. My God, they are honestly just taking the piss at this moment. $2 or $3 dollars per standard? Countdown, you can take your “alcoholic sparkling water” (which, for the record, sounds fucking weird) and shove it up your corporate assholes.  

In the end, there are really only two contenders: Harvest Scrumpy, otherwise known as the original “Scrumpy” and Old Mout Scrumpy. Yep, the big $10 bottles that make you want to rub your nipples and throw up in a bush somewhere. God bless. 

The biggest takeaway from my time in cider-town is to always look for the word “Scrumpy” on the label. That little word makes all the difference. Something like Old Mout Boysencider only has 4 standards to Old Mout’s Scrumpy Cider Blackcurrant which carries a cheerier 8.2 standards. The devil’s in the detail.  

In a shocking twist, Harvest Scrumpy placed second, rounding out at $1.23 dollar per standard. In a narrow finish, Old Mout Scrumpy placed first at $1.21. Not the Golden Ratio, but not bad for the ol’ gal.

BEER:   
I only drink beer when I’m trying to sleep with guys, in the hopes that it will make me seem cool and normal. In reality I’m forced to spend 20 minutes hiccuping in a bathroom of a party, cursing the very day I was born. With often only 1.3 standard drinks a can, beers are simply not economically efficient. A Golden Ratio does not a beer maketh. I didn’t even bother to touch craft beers, for their horrendous price automatically disqualifies them from this horse race.  

Some beers were just trying to piss me off, like Corona Extra at $1.92 per standard. Corona Extra, you can go fuck yourself. Heineken wasn’t much better at $1.73 or DB Export Gold at $1.60. A lot of beers toed a cautious middle line, such as Double Browns ($1.27) or even the dearly loved VBs ($1.38) and Flame ($1.12) In the end there were only three that even dared to creep towards the golden finish line. In third place, at a dollar/standard ratio of $1.1 was Kromacher, an intriguing Germanic brew. A close second, was Ranfurly Draught at a pleasing $1.04. Huge hats off to the small town of Ranfurly for finally doing something of significance. Although Massey campuses may be based in the North Island, perhaps, at heart, we are Southern people. 

Finally, finishing out at first place was Bavaria 8.6 Original Holland Beer Cans at a whooping $1.02 dollar per standard. Close but no cigar. But still fucking excellent stuff from the people that gave us legalised weed and Stroopwafels, I fucking love those little guys.  

BOTTLED WINE:  

Ah, wine; the fancy alcohol of fancy people. Perfect for a curry, a cheese’n’cracker or a cheeky cry-wank in your childhood bedroom. Could she carry us over the line?  
To begin, white wine is automatically disqualified from this conversation. I’m sorry, but red simply always, time and time again, has the higher standard. I’m not happy about it either, believe me, but this is where the chips fall. Shiraz also wins hands down compared to Merlot, Pinot Noir, and Cabernet Sauvignon.  
We can spend the day pussy-footing around different brands and whatnot, but in the end, there’s only really a few dirt-cheap ones. You know, the ones that taste like utter shit, but fuck, it’s $7 so you still suckle at its teet once the StudyLink runs dry.  
There were a few of these options that, despite promising prices, failed to deliver that all-orgasmic ratio. Both Forget Me Not Shiraz and Makaraka Estate Shiraz stopped short at $1.08. Much like dry humping, you can only get so far.  

But finally, pure relief! The ecstasy of pure, conveniently-priced bliss! In second, at a delightful $0.96 was Picture Perfect Shiraz, living up to its name. And first, well, you might have guessed it: Cleanskin Shiraz at a ejaculatory $0.84 dollar per standard. Oh Cleanskin, was there really any other option? A little cheap, a little nasty, but oh so sexy - much like your mum.  

BOXED WINE/CASK/GOON:  

Of course, bottled wine is one thing. Boxed wine is a whole other ball-game. Gone is the expensive, weighty glass. In its place: flimsy, low-cost plastic hidden inside cardboard. Goons, perhaps best known for the infamous drinking game “Goon of Fortune” where a bag is placed on a clothesline and spun, are the cheapest wines in the game.  

Placing third, a tied effort between Country Cask Red and Chasseur Cask Classic Red hits the buzzer straight on $1. Smashing stuff, guys.  

In second, another tie (!): Longridge Merlot Cabernet Sauvignon, and Banrock Station Cask Wine Shiraz Cabernet at $0.9. In first, at really no surprise, except perhaps that it’s a white wine: Cleanskin Cask Dry White at $0.84. If they sold red goon, just imagine what this company could achieve. I tip my hat to you, Cleanskin.  

TO CONCLUDE 

Dear readers, we went on a quest today for the Golden Ratio, and the Golden Ratio we did find.  

So, for cider and beer, a bit of solid stimulation, but in the end, both pulls out and finishes on the bedsheets. In the end, only wine truly comes inside of you, fucking you hard and good. Legs-above-my-head kind of good. The Golden Ratio, and then some. The cost-effectiveness on that girth! In the end, it was Cleanskin that took out the title, and my heart. She’s utter shit but, my God, she’s sturdy. The Golden Ratio isn’t meant to be delicious, or easy. To deserve such an honour, you have to put the work in. You have to earn it.  

If you have reason to think you can top our winners, please write in (editor@massivemagazine.co.nz). As always, supermarket specials can tip some drinks towards that delicious, golden ratio, and you should always bask in that warm sun when it doth shine upon your liquor aisle. But for now, drink Cleanskin and rejoice. Or throw up. Whatever you want to do with this sacred knowledge.