Making the most of your degree: Where to get FREE SHIT at Massey
With uni starting back and our rent draining our bank accounts (not to mention the parties that require a draining alcohol budget) it’s only fair we do a little bit of free hunting and gathering for ourselves, is it not? God knows we pay enough in fucking university fees. If I’m paying Massey $25,000, I’ll take some loo-rolls and a pen, thanks.
Without further ado, I have found some of Massey’s best free gems. Fair warning, some of these things may not exactly follow a sort of ‘code of conduct'. I’m not telling you to do these things, but also I’m not saying NOT to do them. You do you, boo.
CONDOMS
There’s a big bowl of little anti-children/STDs in the health centre, they come in a cute little packet with a lube sample too! But hey, condoms aren’t just for sex. You can use them to fish things out of the loo that you dropped – bearing in mind that the main item you drop in the toilet is your phone, you can use a condom as a DIY waterproof phone case! Also, alcohol smuggling got a whole lot easier – fill them up and shove it up ya hoo-ha for later.
EXEC BBQs:
This is THE event to get a free feed, though you need to keep an eye out for when it just happens. You’ll usually just get a whiff of where it is and generally around 12pm is the time when the smell infuses the campus. There’s always hash browns but if you’re fast enough you can get a saussie out of the fiasco as well.
Following the Exec’s Facebook page is where you’re gonna get the ‘free shit’ updates. Yeah, it’s kinda lame, but all things in life worth having come with a cost. The Exec also has the odd giveaway days full of free lollies, pens, tote bags, baking, and other random bits’n’bobs. Okay, I’ll stop with the propaganda now, I hate myself too don’t worry.
UNI CAFES
This requires extra stealth, but take an extra napkin or 20 from the café! They’re good nose-blowers or for when people come around for dinner. Are you out of sugar at home? Surely there’s no harm in taking some of the sugar sachets. I have definitely been guilty of taking a couple of those forks home...
THE FREE SHELF
At every Massey campus, there’s an infamous free shelf. Filled with the most random shit going and almost always some kind of stale bread product, this is the place to be. Every now and then you can strike gold – I once found three sacks of Uncle Ben’s miracle microwave rice! In Welly, Kaibosh, a food rescue organization, provide the food and it’s a pretty mean feed. Other memorable items found there are pots, pans, t-shirts, and folders.
BATHROOMS
Weirdly enough, lots of bathrooms around Massey have a shower. Nice. You can head in with a towel and have a nice wee soak. Hell, if you’re stealthy enough take a few pumps of handwash to your hand and carry it into the shower. As for the handwash, take an empty soap pump and fill it up with the bathroom soap.
I always wondered why toilet paper is often locked in those plastic boxes in public toilets and now I know why – those giant rolls last an eternity in a flat! Do not break any of the boxes but if one happens to be unlocked, there’s a free roll or two. Alternatively, if the box is locked, you can always just keep spinning the roll and make a toilet paper waterfall into your backpack until you have the desired amount.
COFFEE:
There’s never been a better time to check out the kitchenettes around campus. Most are stocked up, but the ones that staff use always have the best supply of tea, coffee and milk. Is it slightly awkward to rock up? Maybe. Confidence is key, and you deserve that hot drink, babe. Welly also has a club called Koha Coffee, that serves filter coffee and tea on Wednesdays and Thursdays between 10am-2pm in Co-Lab. A one-off $5 can get you coffee for the year, but also if you’re down on the dosh, they’re not going to turn you away. Caffeine at times can feel like the only thing that is going to get us that degree in the end so it’s important to get it where and when ya can. Also, could be a funky place to meet some new people and enjoy some good brews.
FOOD:
Listen, vending machines are not the invulnerable beasts they seem. New Zealand has plenty of earthquakes, what’s the harm of giving a machine a little extra shaking every now and then? Theft isn’t great, but everyone knows that vending machine profits all go to big corporations, so fuck ‘em. In Welly, Mama Brown comes in every now and then to serve free waffles in the pyramid! This is another free-food thing that pays to be following on the ol’ socials. But they do come, and they bring a deadly number of ideal toppings.
CUDDLES:
A bit cringey I know, but sometimes dogs and cats roam around on campus. So, get yourself a pat and a cuddle! Also, if you ask for consent, then go ahead and hug anyone. Tinder is free for a reason.
Overall, in my haul I collected: five condoms; two hash browns; three saussies; 20 napkins; 10 forks; two baguettes; a tote bag (with redbull, porridge, a notepad, and a pack of Durex connies); four showers; one filled 250ml soap pump; a fuck-off roll of sandpaper-toilet paper; a new friend (called El); and a wee face-scratch from Pocket the MAWSA pussy. Not a bad collection! Now I can afford that bottle of Malibu for my piña coladas this week.
It’s been 2021 for a month and a bit, which has already been stressful. Hell, I thought we were all going into another lockdown for a short minute there! Release your stress build-up of deadlines, classes, and awkward ice-breaker games by taking the opportunities with anything you can get here for freeeeeeee!