Opinion: Men scare the shit out of me

I’ve spent my life in male spaces. From all-boys’ schools to barbers, sports games and garage parties. My family is 3/4s men, my friends growing up were boys. I’ve seen men turning hurt to anger towards others, and turning anger to violence. And they scare the shit out of me. All of them. 

All-boys’ schools especially are the starting point. The festering pit of unchecked behaviours, stories told without the perspective of anyone that’s not a cis dude considered. Bragging about drunk hook-ups, sharing nudes like currency in the playground, transphobic comments and homophobia from teachers. It’s a cesspool of abuse masked as jokes and banter.  

Let’s jump the gun here, I’m not saying all men are shit, I’m not saying only men are scary, but when you’ve spent your life around men, but not as one, you learn pretty quickly that any man can be a threat, and therefore all of them should be treated with caution. If you were handed a bowl of M&M’s and told one in every four could kill you and you’d never know until it was too late, it’d be pretty understandable to be apprehensive about digging in. The same goes for people. If you have been hurt, abused, or assaulted again and again at the hands of men, having a deeply ingrained fear isn’t a hateful thing, it’s a survival mechanism. 

As a disclaimer, I’m a queer, non-binary AMAB (assigned male at birth) person, who has grown up in the depths of toxic masculinity. For those who haven’t, those who aren’t men, I know men are scary, I know every hook up in town is a risk and every walk home is a gamble, but in male spaces, being around men when they think no-woman is watching is even more despicable. That “locker room talk” is never a joke, it’s a statement. The denial of emotions only leads to bottled anger and violence, or desensitisation from the realities of your actions. Accountability does not exist for people who have grown up to consider anyone “sensitive” as feminine, and anyone feminine as lesser.  

But this isn’t for queer people, this isn’t for women. This is for men. Straight, cis men in particular. I have grown up as one of you, I know your friends, I know why you think the way you do and the methods used to bend you into this narrow archetype. But that’s no excuse. That girl in town is too drunk but still flirty? Leave her the fuck alone. Someone walking home looking especially hot? Think your comment, keep your mouth shut. Getting nudes on Snap? Be grateful, don’t screenshot, and go about your fucking day. 

Your upbringing was horrendous, you were told from day one that to have power is to be strong, and to be strong is to be a man. That sensitivity is weakness, that taking responsibility is subservience. I don’t blame you for turning out the way you did, but I blame you for not seeing what it did to others and getting better for it. To stop causing hurt you have to admit you’re wrong, and to admit it you have to be vulnerable. 

Now I know some of you will potter on about “men get abused too” and sure. Yes. They do. But even as a masc-presenting person, all of my abuses and assaults have come from men. All of the men I’ve tried to talk to about my abuse have minimised my feelings and experiences. When you use abuse against men as leverage for why we shouldn’t care about abuse from men you’re not helping anyone. And if you want to stop abuse, start with your friend circle, or better yet, yourself.  

Check in with your mate’s mental health, cut off that asshole that’s saving nudes, shut your buddy up if he wants to cat-call. Be better. Do better. Listen when someone says “no”, when someone says “not tonight”, or “can we just cuddle?”. Admit to yourself that you have caused pain, and strive to do better for everyone around you. A woman shouldn’t have to be your daughter, mother, sister or friend for you to care about her experiences.  

To the trans women who walk home from work in the dark, the trans men who go to the gym surrounded by sport-loving breathers, the people with pride pins and anyone queer existing out in the open: I am proud as hell that you’ve made it this far. For the baby-gays, the conservative-family-queers, and those who just aren’t sure yet: I see you, just keep taking it one day at a time. To the women who clutch their keys in carparks and taxi-rides, I’m sorry, I know your fear. And to men, cis, straight, white or otherwise… Pull your fucking socks up, be better to the people around you. The admiration of your friends isn’t worth the hurt you’ll cause the people who you’re supposed to protect.