It’s hard out here for a bisexual

Bisexuals- in the words of Hannah Montana- have the best of both worlds. We can have a crush on Miley Cyrus  and Jake Ryan at the same time, and it’s fucking awesome. However, unfortunately there still exists some shitty stereotypes and stigma that linger around the sexuality, even today in goddamn 2021. Massive delves into some of the assumptions and struggles faced by those who chill it out, take it slow and rock out the show. 

The realisation period 

First trying to figure out your sexuality is a fucking struggle. It can feel like you’re trapped in an attraction limbo, and once you’ve realised you’re bisexual, you might’ve already been labeled as something else based on previous or current relationships. One Massey student, Charlotte,  says, “I’ve always thought about how I could be bi but never actually accepted it and came out until now aged 20. The struggle is by now I’m 20 and engaged to be married to a guy and haven’t had a ‘single and bisexual’ period to live fully in my sexuality!”  

“Don’t even get me started on the stereotypical ‘pick a side you can’t like both’ or ‘but you have only ever dated guys’ or ‘you’re more likely to cheat’,” Charlotte continues. These are just a few prime assumptions that seems to cling to the bisexual repertoire like shit to a blanket. Reality is that you don’t have to pick a side; you can be attracted to the same gender even if you’ve only dated one; and you aren’t any more likely to cheat. 

Threesome expectation 

“A struggle of being bi and in a committed relationship to a man, is the amount of times I’m with my partner and [we] see a girl noticing me and my fiancé both checking her out,” says student Dara. Definitely a bit of an awkward struggle that leads me to the next assumption... 

What the fuck is up with people assuming that because you’re bi you are inherently wanting threesomes? Faith says, “In my last heterosexual relationship, he knew that I was bi, so the conversation of having a threesome with an extra woman was common from him, and quite frankly annoying.” Personally, I’d rather shit in my hands and smear it in my blonde hair than share a lover. I’d be open to it if it weren’t expected of me, perhaps I’m just stubborn or as most of us have been told - greedy. 

Labels 

Journalism student Elena is in a same-gender relationship, however, is still attracted to men but labelled by some as a lesbian. She says, “everyone, including my parents, assume that because I’m with a girl that I’m a lesbian when I’m not. I feel that still being attracted to men is a big part of my identity.” This labeling is a problem because if you’ve been labelled as a lesbian when you’re bisexual, it makes it harder finding a male counterpart when people have already made their mind up as to what box you belong in. That’s why labels suck, but unfortunately people (including myself) naturally feel the need to know what someone is. 

Even in gay relationships, some people feel that there needs to still be a gendered label on each individual based on their more dominant stereotypical characteristics within the relationship, and can sometimes even treat you as such. “My cousin, for instance, thinks that she [my girlfriend] is the man in the relationship, so when we all catch-up he gives her handshakes but gives me hugs. My family also call her my ‘partner,’ as if saying ‘girlfriend’ is a bit taboo,” says design student Caitlin. 

Needing to adapt 

Alex* said they find that their attraction for multiple people can be assumed by how they dress: “[When] applying for housing and work I have to dress ‘straight’, because I know that those in power of employment and housing so often discriminate regardless of legality. Around elderly people I suppress my mannerisms, language, and clothing just to feel safe.” 

When being around straight men, Alex finds that they automatically drop their voice a few keys and take on blokey language, “Not to fit in, not to be liked, but to not feel unsafe and threatened. It’s a survival tactic. I’ve had friends in the city assaulted for their sexual or gender orientation and I’m a small human being. Not exactly a fighter,” they said. The clothing thing isn’t spoken about enough. How are we meant to dress for us to fit in? If how we dress defines what we’re attracted to, then how the fuck are we meant to communicate that we like more than one gender?  

Some friends 

The worst is when you start getting the hots for straight people. Even worse when that straight person is your best friend. Gemma said, “I had a crush on my best friend and she loved to hold hands, hug, cuddle, but she is as straight as they come. It was absolute torture and I couldn’t exactly tell her, ‘Hey please stop holding my hand I like you,’ because she didn’t know I had a crush on her OR that I was bi.”  

If coming out wasn’t hard enough, having friends and/or their families on-edge about what you’re attracted to definitely hits the heart. Brooke says, “I’ve had lady friends that put up pillow walls when I sleep in their bed and my best friend had to tell their Christian parents (who were like my adopted parents) that I’m straight so that I could still come over to hang out and have sleepovers.”  

Overall, yes this has been a marticle (moany article), but being bi does have some great benefits such as (but not limited to): being attracted to more than one gender; being available to more than one gender when single (or not, whatever floats your goat); jumping up’n’down with joy when you meet someone who understands this specific part of you – the list does go on. 

Express yourself, love yourself and others! All we can do is hope and educate. Hopefully these struggles and assumptions will fuck right off sometime in the near future.