Horoscopes (vol 8)

Aries: Have you checked your account this week? It’s lower than usual because of your decision to shout everyone drinks. Just stop. Your loan is big enough as it is.    

Taurus:  Get your head out of the gutter, perhaps you’ll figure out the fact that your flatties are hiding toilet paper rolls in their rooms and that is why you are having to top up the TP hoard. 

Gemini:  Keeping condoms in your pocket doesn’t make your chances of getting laid any higher on a night out. Try leaving your shirt open this week. 

Cancer: You’ve got some wonderful winter clothes but don’t wear them on sunny days this week as you have a nasty UTI brewing (I’m talking about those pants that hug your groin).   

Leo: Just because the T-sauce is communal amongst your flatties doesn’t mean that consuming half the bottle is okay. Try being considerate this week with more than just sauce. 

Virgo: No one likes a money complainer who clothe-shops up a storm. Just admit you have a problem and move on. 

Libra: Sex can be found in some odd places. If you’re after some, give a cutie the eyes in the library and invite them to a bathroom stall this week – luck is in your hands ;) 

Scorpio: If you are worried about the stank of your genitalia this week, please go get that STD check that you’ve been putting off for fucks sake. 

  Sagittarius: What’s worse than one’s love for manipulation? You being manipulated. Be sceptical this week, you haven’t done anything wrong except for being too easy to manipulate. 

Capricorn: Do your dishes or else they will get put in your bed – which will be fucking awkward when you bring someone home this weekend…  

Aquarius: Using your phone as a torch to investigate what’s going on down below will result in you accidentally taking a photo and uploading it to your family cloud. Be a bit careful, eh? 

 Pisces: You were doing so well! What happened? You were about to quit vaping but darts aren’t the best alternative option! Sleep in on Monday, you need it.