How to Adult: Stacking the damn dishwasher

Okay kids, I can’t believe I have to make this but here goes… What follows is a comprehensive and somewhat patronising guide on how to stack your DAMN dishwasher correctly. 

Firstly, have you emptied it yet? Like, all of it? Yes, the cutlery too for fuck’s sake. 

If you’re going to stack the dishwasher then for the love of god make sure what’s already in the dishwasher hasn’t gone through. You and I both know you can’t afford the power to run the same shit twice. 

Next, now that it’s properly empty, start with shit that fits. 

Plates go first, and always start with the biggest ones. No, the biggest plates not the saucers… Oh come on… Dinner plates. As many as you can possibly fit, just stick em in one after the other. Cool, okay, now small plates and other flat things, chopping boards if they fit. Hey, look at you go, well done.  

Bowls go next on a different rack, but with bowls you start with the smallest ones. Why? Jesus, I didn’t think I’d have to explain this. Try stacking a tiny bowl on a mixing bowl and see how well that fits why don’t you? It’s like a ballet dancer spooning a bodybuilder, they just don’t fit. You get it now? Okay, Smallest bowls first at the near end of the rack and then work up to your big boys. 

Right, now let’s look at mugs, cups, shit that goes in that top little shelfy thing. That’s a bit more lacklustre, just fill it up with as many cups that’ll fit. It’s like circle tetris. Hey now look at you go! 

Cutlery is easy, smush it in, but, for fucks sake, put sharp things pointy end down. I shouldn’t even have to say that but seriously, knives and scissors down. 

Okay so that’s the basics out of the way. What about the shit that doesn’t stack? Well, struggling stranger, this is where it gets tricky. Well not that tricky but if you’re having trouble stacking a dishwasher then it might be. 

To be honest just put like with like. Spatulas, ladles and scrapers all go together along with any other long boi. Tupperware goes on the outside of the bowl stack, pot lids go with plates, you get the gist. 

Finally, no, you can’t put oven trays and pans in the dishwasher, even if they do fit, just hand wash the damn things like an adult… 

Congratulations, you are now (somewhat) an adult. Look at you stacking your dishwasher right, I’m proud of you. How far you’ve come from that naive child I began talking to. I just hope you know how to use your washing machine too…