Horoscopes (vol 9)

Aries: Look out for some flatmate drama this week. Resist the urge for passive-aggressive sticky notes, and for fucks sake, please stay out of the group chat when drunk.  

Taurus: Treat yourself to a long shower this week. We all know it’s been a while. In the meantime, invest in dry shampoo and baby wipes.  

Gemini: Money is coming your way. Start online shopping now, buy that cute hoodie. Don’t trust the banks, remember the 2008 financial crisis.  

Cancer: You need to start working on your chugging abilities. There will come a time this week when you will be shot-gunning nitro in front of a hottie, and wish you weren’t so pathetic. No one likes a slow drinker.   

Leo: Buy some more milk for the flat. The milk you have is expired, even if it passes the sniff test. Let it go, my friend. Let it go.  

Virgo: Send nudes this week. Consensually, of course. I know you’ve been thinking about it, and trust me, you’ve got the goods.  

Libra: Smoke weed before the family call this week. Release some of that built-up trauma, tell your parents that you love them. Then eat a foot-long subway.  

Scorpio: Make a grocery list, it’ll change your life. Good energy is coming for you, you just need to buy some cereal and wait for it to embrace you.  

Sagittarius: You’re right not to trust that bitch. I don’t trust them either. Cut them out of your life, they’re not on your level.  

Capricorn: Consider toe-sucking. Sex has been a bit bland recently and it’s time to spice it up. Cut your toenails first, no one likes a spikey toe.   

Aquarius: Things won’t go so well this week, I’m not gonna lie. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news. Lay low, don’t check your grades. Ignorance is bliss.  

Pisces: PLEASE stop investing in stocks. Or at least stop talking about it so much. Bitcoin isn’t gonna help you pull in town.