Snorting myself silly: Massive takes it up the nose
CW: This article discusses drug use
Snorting is never really something I’ve done much of. Smoking, eating, dissolving? Fuck yeah. But snorting has remained an elusive mystery, clouded in coatrooms and dimly-lit bathrooms. All my life I’ve read magazines about glamorous celebrities, white-powdered nostrils in toe. The nose is the final frontier between this dismal existence and a better life. I want to be a fancy lawyer, suited up and snorted up. I want so many things, so badly, and there seemed only one way to get there: up the nose. So, in the name of good journalism, Massive went down the rabbit hole of crushed powders, to find the elusive truth.
PSA: Don't do this at home. I did this so you don’t have to. Please. My anus still isn’t the same.
NO-DOZ:
I decided to start off with something simple. The iconic caffeine pills that every student knows and loves. I smashed up a pill, whipped out a five-dollar bill and away I went. I encountered my first problem moments in - the pills weren’t a fine enough powder to snort properly. Little chunks of those devils stuck in my nostrils and fuck, it burnt.
I felt gross. Like one of those boys in primary school who suck at the end of their hoodie strings. Greasy, snotty, yet strangely compelling. I stared at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes, refusing to break eye contact. About 20 minutes in, I started to feel it. It was like chugging 10 energy drinks all at once and breaking out in a synchronised dance routine. My heart was pounding more than the first time I had discovered masturbation, my pulmonary artery finger-blasting my right ventricle. In and out, in and out, it was foreplay without end. I felt like I could conquer the world but I also wanted to cry. I pulled out my study notes and spent the next hour on TikTok. Nice.
RITALIN:
Ritalin is legendary in the student world for its ability to aid hours of intense study. Around exam time, out comes these little guys, ready to pop, lock, and drop. Yes, it’s semi-problematic to abuse medicine that offers substantial benefits to many, but let’s not examine that today, shall we? Today is a day for snorting.
Upon entry into the nasal cavity, it was immediately obvious how smooth the transition was compared to No-Doz. By comparison, this was caviar, silk upon my nostril's hairs. It went up a delicious treat, a le petit-déjeuner for the senses. But then, nothing really happened. I was feeling a little bit horny, but I’m not sure if that’s just because I was wearing tight jeans and sitting down.
The most notable difference I found was, well, I stayed awake until 3am. Which honestly, is big for me considering I’m a sleepy bitch that barely can stay awake past 11pm. But it wasn’t in the hyper, manic way I was expecting. It’s just, well, I didn’t feel tired, so I stayed awake. No work was done, but I chatted with friends over a glass of wine, and had a wonderful time. Is this how Cameron Diaz feels all the time? Unclear. Next time I need a nice cable knit and an ex-husband, to be sure.
COFFEE:
After two days of snorting pretty pills, the thin lines of coffee on the table in front of me was confronting, to say the least. This felt like taking a big step, probably in the wrong direction. I went with instant coffee; a) because my flatmate would kill me if I used his fancy filter shit and b) because it seemed the finest coffee power that we had in the pantry. I had to shut my eyes to snort, but I needn’t have bothered. I could feel it, in every facet of my body. I was coffee and coffee was me. The pain up my nostrils was like hot water, cascading every crevice. After a lot of coughing and spluttering, I felt energized for about 10 minutes, then immediately crashed for the next six hours. The headache was... bad. I still wince every time I pass a kettle.
MCDONALD’S EL MACO SHAKER FRIES SEASONING
I had my reservations about this one. Firstly, any spice going up the nose is bound to end in disaster. Secondly, I had once eaten this, and even that wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Honestly, it just felt like pouring cheap taco seasoning on fries, and tasted overwhelmingly of Year 7 camp food. There’s no authenticity, which I’m aware is asking a lot of McDonalds, but here I am, asking. On the count of three, I inhaled. Fuck! I felt like a white-hot poker was hoisted up my nose. I could taste paprika, onion powder, pepper. MSG, that coying bastard, crept up last, wielding its delicious tentacles of glutamic acid inside of me; cumming, hard. I couldn’t think, I could only react. I locked myself in the bathroom and took the most violent shit of my life. I felt like I gave birth to something, that day. Hours later, still quivering from my insides having turned to molten sludge, I crept into my bed. I felt like the greasy layer of skin of fried chicken, damp and slimy but carrying a potent scent. That feeling stayed with me for days.
If the content of this article affected you in any way, don’t be afraid to reach out to these support numbers:
Alcohol/Drug Helpline: 0800 787 797
Healthline: 0800 611 116
Lifeline: 0800 543 345 or (09) 522 2999