Help! I Keep Falling for Fictional Men!

I was eight years old when I first fell in love.  

I first met him in class. He had these big green eyes and perpetually untidy black hair. The other girls called him small and skinny for his age, whispering that he had a thin face, knobbly knees, and a weird scar. But I didn’t care. Harry James Potter was my chosen one.  

Then, at age 12, came Edward Cullen, the mysterious boy who would stare at me hungrily across the playground. I didn’t care about the 100-year age gap. I'd never met a man who was so intent about protecting me that he’d watch me sleep. I unfortunately had to break it off with him after he told me I was his own personal brand of heroin. Sorry Eddie, but I’m not into junkies.  

The others came all at once.  

Peeta Mellark, the baker’s boy who put his bun in my oven. Rhysand, who helped me recognise the profound extent of my daddy issues. Mr Darcy, who made me melt simply by flexing his hand. Xaden Riorson, the dragon rider who could ride me any day. And most recently, Fleabag’s Hot Priest who has brought me to my knees. 

I think you already know my most obvious problem in loving all these men, and it’s not that there’s just one of me to go around. None of them actually exist (kill me).  

I’ve dated and crushed on many real men as well. But it was always underwhelming, heartbreaking, disappointing, and quite frankly sexually unsatisfying. It's tough when you realise the only decent men in your life aren’t even real.  

Let me give you a few examples.  

There was the time when my ex-boyfriend got so tired after trying to find my G-spot that he asked me to “just fake it” so he could cum. My Wattpad lover boys would never. I fondly recall being told I was the “second-hottest chick” he’d ever been with. I’m so lucky I made it into his top three! Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for him considering my list only consists of fictional men… Peeta Mellark is my number one xxx  

My last boyfriend told me I was the only girl he wanted… until he saw every other girl around me. Fortunately, I found my Satisfier Pro paired with any TikTok edit of Mr Darcy flexing his hand was way more loyal (and sexually stimulating) than he ever was.  

I think getting told having sex with me was like having sex with a boy because my tits were so small might be a personal favourite. Although, gosh, I did love hearing that his ex was prettier than me. Omg! I almost forgot about when he didn’t want to comfort me after my grandpa died because he didn’t want to have sex with a "depressed whale”.  

Maybe I’m just being selfish when I say I prefer fictional men. None of my fairytale boyfriends would degrade, humiliate or gaslight me! I wonder if it’s because they know that some things (like moral decency) won’t damage their reputation with the boys? That is so totally lame.  

It was so lame when Peeta put aside his yearning for Katniss to give her the space to work through her trauma. God! Don’t forget about the time where Rhysand saved Feyre from her abusive ex. Doesn’t he know about bro code??? 

Or what about the time Gilbert Blythe said to Anne: “I feel I must unburden my heart. You are the fond object of my affection and my desire. You, and you alone, are the keeper of the key to my heart.” 

Yeah… that’s all just… so… ROMANTIC WTF! A girl can only dream.  

Clinical sexologist and psychosexual therapist Chloe Scotney explains to Refinery29 that we often feel more attracted to a fictional character because they encapsulate all our ultimate fantasies into one character.  

“Yes, a protagonist can let us down, but because of how most narratives work, we know they'll always come through and redeem themselves in the end. Real-life people don't always operate this way," said Scotney. 

Scotney explained that indulging ourselves within the romance genre means we aren’t faced with the unpredictability of the real-world dating scene. A fictional romance provides us with the ‘happy ending’ we might not find in real life.  

Most importantly, Scotney said fictional romances allowed women to fantasise about a world in which they’re treated kindly by a man. Ouch.  

So yeah. When someone says that “not all men are horrible to women”, it’s correct to reply with “yeah, my fictional boyfriends would never”. After being treated so shit by the men I’ve dated in the past, it feels much safer to focus my energy on fictional men. My fictional boyfriends are less threatening. They can’t tell me to drop a few pounds or that I’d be way hotter if I didn’t talk so much. 

I’d much rather remain a single and delusional romance novel enthusiast than lower my expectations and settle for less.  

Heartbreakingly, I will never have Peeta bake me a loaf of sourdough every morning, Xaden to take me on midnight dragon rides, or even Mr. Darcy to help me into my carriage. But the person I end up with should be someone who would do the same if they could.  

Honestly, I’m not even asking for much. All I want is a six-foot-four faerie with twelve pack abs who will make the mountains tremble as we climax simultaneously under the Northern Lights. 

PSA! If you fit the description above… gimme a call xxx