Ramming w/ Fergus: Heartbroken

Q. I dumped my boyfriend cause he cheated on me, but for some reason I can’t get over him. HELP. I’m so fucking sick of him taking up space in my head. 

A. Personally, I’ve never had my heart broken. I’ve always been more of a heartbreaker. People are just too intimidated by my overwhelming sexual prowess to stick around for more than a few one-night stands. My dick game is that good. But I’m not here to blow my own horn – though if anyone wants to blow me, hit me up.  

The only heartbreak I’ve had was getting over my vape addiction. Realised that shit was affecting my stamina in the bedroom, so I replaced it with cigarettes. I smoked in front of the mirror, and I looked fucking sexy. My stamina hasn’t gotten better, probably worse, but my hook up count is through the roof. You lose your lungs, but you win puss.  

I’ve seen many go for the classic motto – wanna get over someone, you gotta get under someone. I’m usually the person people get under. I give them a wild ride and leave them forgetting who their ex was entirely. This is also the perfect time to sit on some camping chairs with a Steinlager and shit-talk around a beach bonfire. Get pissed, get high, and throw your phone in the fire so you don’t text him.  

Get revenge, but don’t be stupid. It’s tempting but try your hardest not to key his car or hold him under the water until the bubbles stop – he’ll be smug if he sees you behind bars. Sleeping with one of his mates should do the trick.