NZ Politicians as Shoes
Shoes are important, and not just for protecting us from the foot fetish community. From colourful Converses to Adidas Superstars, every time you slip on a pair on kicks, you’re making a statement. Who are you? What do you want to be? What will you become?
Massive thought it would be fun to imagine various politicians as different kinds of shoes. Please don’t ask us why. We’re very sleep deprived. People know politicians. People know shoes. In our head, that’s enough.
Chlöe Swarbrick: Vans
Chlöe is just cool, you know? And there’s nothing more effortlessly cool than some black and white checkered vans. Are you heading to the skatepark? To the mall? No one knows, and that’s the mystery of Chlöe. She’s too busy for anything fussy with laces (maybe she can’t do laces, and no shame here, Chlöe. I myself wore velcro until I inserted my first tampon) so the ease of slip-on is key. Vans are always in style, so no wasteful fast-fashion here.
Judith Collins: Lita shoes
Crusher Collins needs shoes that allow her to, well, crush. Lita shoes, the iconic heel of 2010s Tumblr, are both perfect in height and boldness to allow Judith to dominate her political opponents. Think Karen, but make it sexy. You can take autumnal pictures with your overwhelming group of white friends, yet there’s a punk edge to these shoes that say “my husband is Samoan, so talofa”!
Jacinda Ardern: Ballet flats
Jacinda has built a reputation of kindness in the political community. Ballet flats are the ideal shoe for curating an image of meek altruism. A little bow at the end adds a flourish of “pick me” and will very politely tell you that there’s nothing they can do about the housing crisis. Ballet flat girls are nice and all, but they’re not exactly the life of the party, let’s face it. They’ll moan about the club lines and get weird about you lighting up a ciggie on a night out. I too, dabbled in ballet flats, until I realised how ineffective they actually were. Cute in theory, but actually disastrous for anyone with pronating feet. Anyway, now I’m a Greens voter.
David Seymour: Boat shoes
Ah, Daddy David. David is a solid boat shoes (no socks) man if I ever saw one. There’s just something about that much ankle that’ll leave you with an odd taste in your mouth, but slightly damp below. A boat shoes guy is a twat, but even he knows it, so you can’t be that mad. Maybe they’re just really comfortable? Maybe there’s a secret about boat shoes that you just don’t know? They must be popular for a reason, right? Right??
Winston Peters: Dr. Martens
Okay, hear me out. Docs will blister and bleed your feet like hell on earth. You’ll curse the day they ever lived. But, after a decade or so, they’ll surprisingly grow on you. They’re sturdy and tough, okay? Old people speak very fondly of their leather quality. You’ll overlook the problematic attitude, and the elitism because, well, they’re hot. Let’s face it. Docs are hot and Winston is hot. That head of hair! Yes, I hate myself.
James Shaw: Birkenstocks
James, James, James. Birkenstocks are the shoe for you. Practical, but oh-so-cute. You can get out into nature, kick back on the beach, then take me to an overpriced brunch spot for $27 eggs on toast. Sometimes you get forgotten amongst the younger, cooler sandals, but there’s always a place for your orthopaedic support in my heart.
Rawiri Waititi: Cowboy boots
Rawiri is a badass. From refusing to wear a tie in parliament, to protesting National’s “racist propaganda” with a haka, this MP deserves the highest honour of shoes: cowboy boots. Cowboy boots aren’t here to fuck around. Gorgeous high-quality leather, yet sturdy for riding horses or whatever it is cowboys do. As a bonus, Rawiri is a famous cowboy hat-wearer, worn as a homage to his koroua who went to war, known as Ngā Kaupoi (cowboys). So, these boots are already a perfect match. Just sayin’.
David Clark: Skechers
There’s something comforting about David. Perhaps it’s the fact that he’ll never be the Leader of the Labour Party, or that keeps just slightly fucking things up. For that, he’s a Skecher shoe, despite him so obviously wanting to be All Birds. My mum likes Skechers. They’ll never be cool, but they’ll always be there, you know? In the back of the closet, just waiting. A slightly sporty shoe, perfect for mountain-biking over lockdown. (Also, David, if you’re reading this, yes, I’m still bitter over that time in high school where you rejected me for your youth parliament representative. I worked really hard on that PowerPoint, okay. It had slide transitions and everything).
Todd Muller: Crocs
Remember when Todd was leader of National for 54 days? Even shorter than Kim Kardashian’s iconic 72-day marriage, hot. However, he picked his mental health over politics, and for that he gets the prime spot of Crocs. Crocs are cozy and snug, an orgasm for your tender feet. I know they get a lot of hate about being “uncool”, but fuck it, comfort is key. Croc users aren’t afraid to be themselves, whatever that may mean. They’re doing their own thing. Does that include being kind of a shitcunt about abortion and gay marriage? Yes, sadly, but Todd will always place himself first, feet included.
Grant Robertson: Uggs
As Finance Minister, Grant is the good cunt of any flat. He’ll send you a screenshot of the power bill, and remind you to buy bin bags from the supermarket. Uggs are a vital part of that identity. Grant needs you to know that he’s not going anywhere, in fact, his shoes practically prohibit him from leaving the house. I’m not going to lie; I would like to be friends with Grant. I would like to give him a big, cosy hug. I’d like to think he’d hug me back. Because that’s what uggs do. They hug back.
Simon Bridges: Fat DCs
Much like fat DCs, I can’t decide if I actually like Simon Bridges. I hated him in office, sure, but once he was ousted, I grew to affectionally admire him and his baby yak posts. Fat DCs are the cultural epitome of this hate-love relationship. They’re just… such a jarring shoe. Like weirdly puffy, right? Too big for its boots. But there’s something quirky and fun there, in the depths of it all. Sure, I wouldn’t want to wear them (too conservative for me, no thank you) but they’re a talking point at parties. Maybe, sometimes, that’s enough.