Sexcapades: Daddy Issues

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

I have been told multiple times that I’m a walking red flag.... and this story definitely makes me seem like one. 

This boy I was fully in love with all through high school finally kissed me one night at the end of year 13 while we were drinking down at the pub lol. It got very heated very quickly so we decided to leave the pub for a quickie before our friends noticed we were gone. For some context: the pub is across the road from a playground and a church, all kind of in the centre of the little town. We walked across the road to the playground, had a go on the swings and the merry-go-round thing... getting more and more intense. The playground wasn’t private enough though, so we took a wee stroll toward the church.... 

The church had this nice sheltered stairway thing which led to the entrance so we parked up there and did the deed. He shuffled out of his corduroy pants, and gently fingered my nipple. Just the one, but it was still hot though. After a bit of ear licking and ball play, he came inside of me. Definitely a one-pump wonder, not much of a BP oil spill from my end. #GodBless. Kinda fell out of love with him after that. Once we started putting our clothes back on I started feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and decided to vocalise this... “Guess what was the last time I was here” I said to him. “I don’t know,” he replied. “My dad’s funeral, lol.” Awkward vibes.... deffos not the right thing to say lol. 

To settle the awkward vibes he suggested that we pray to my dad and ask for forgiveness for fucking in front of his literal death bed. So we got on our knees on the stairs facing the church, and both prayed to my dad and he apologised for rooting me. So wildly inappropriate and awkward now that I look back on it. But yeah, anyways, I would like to deeply apologise not only to my father but also to the Pukekohe Presbyterian community. Godspeed.