How to Survive Exams
Only hang out with your crush on “study dates”. You’ll be forced to look at books... as well as their dreamy eyes.
Slip a crisp $50 note under the Massive office door and we’ll send one of our staff writers to sit it for you.
Slowly seduce your lecturer. Sure, don’t actually fuck them, but make them fall in love with you. Go on long walks and ask them questions about death, eat dumplings by the shoreline. Laugh at their silly little jokes. When the time comes, they won’t let you down.
Place M&Ms at the end of chapters of your textbook. Honestly idk about this one, I just saw it on TikTok.
Really lean into ‘Dark Academia’. Yeah, you CAN be that bitch in dark turtlenecks and plaid blazers. Yeah, you can lurk around dark corners of libraries and romanticise the hellish student existence. You might not learn any useful knowledge for your aviation paper, but fuck it, you’ll learn a couple of words in Latin and feel like a powerful entity in this rapidly changing world.
Listen to your lecture recordings as you go to sleep. If nothing else, maybe you’ll finally get a good night's sleep! There’s nothing like the sound of your lecturer's voice to make you sleepy as fuck.
Go on the ultimate search for your doppelgänger. Backpack all around the world, hunting for your one true lookalike. When you find them, promise them a safe, good life back in New Zealand. Quarantine together in a hotel room as the sexual tension slowly rises. What would it be like to fuck yourself? Would they be a gentle lover? These questions will still be on your mind as you march them off to your Zoom exam, where they will gain you an A+ in whatever bullshit comms paper you’re sitting.
Snort No-Doz lol.
Perform a viral video that involves you inexplicably chugging Red Bull in crevices all over your body. Red Bull will see this video and immediately send you a crate of free product. Consume this free beverage repeatedly, making more and more viral videos when your supply runs low.
Learn how to hack in a very cool montage sequence. From there, download the contents of your lecturer’s laptop, all whilst some sick music is playing. View the exam days in advance. You do this shit on your own time.
Study like a very decent amount, get a C+ (Cs get degrees!) and celebrate with your mates in Macca’s after a boozy sess.