How to Cure a Hangover
1. Eat a raw egg in the morning. Immediately throw said raw egg up, think to yourself “why the fuck did I think this was a good idea when I already want to throw up” and go back to sleep.
2. Wake up and pour yourself another drink! It’s the hair of the dog, baby! Again, immediately throw up because, what are you actually thinking?? You spent all last night spewing pink gin in the gutter, but give it a good six hours and suddenly it’s your best friend again? Hard pass.
3. Text your ex. The spine-curling, psychological torture of this move will immediately distract you from how physically shit you feel.
4. Text your crush. Ask them to come over. Immediately start panicking because you look like shit and last night’s kebab remnants are strewn across the living room. Oh, and you might have pissed the bed (but only a bit though). The urge to have a shower and have a tidy up in order to seem “presentable” to your love will wake you up and power you through the day.
5. Burp the alphabet backwards. Gets all the gas out.
6. Sleep it off. A classic move, seriously underrated. Feel like shit? Just go back to sleep! Sleep the pain away. In other news, this might also be my approach to depression.
7. Have a hearty fry up. Mmmmm. Sausages, eggs, hashbrown. Don’t forget the warm, buttered toast! You will feel like shit after eating it, but in a different kind of way. Like an “I’ve eaten too much” rather than “I’ve drank too much”. Technically does get rid of a hangover tho! So still fucking counts!!!
8. Pray to whatever god you believe in. Only divine intervention can get you through this ordeal.
9. Gatorade it up! Seriously, this isn’t even a joke. That blue baby juice will get you through anything.
10. Get your flatmate to come in and tell you all the embarrassing shit you did last night. The memories will be so graphic and shameful that it’ll make you never want to drink again. You can’t have any more hangovers if you don’t drink!
11. Go for a 5k run. You will hate yourself but at least you’ll be somewhere other than the bathroom for when you inevitably have to throw up. Variation is key.
12. Hop in the shower! Cry in the shower! Comb the vomit out of your hair! Have an existential crisis and use up all the hot water.
13. Start reading some serious physics books. You know, the big heavy ones. Go on Reddit pages, get more and more involved in the scientific community. Fall in love with Redditor 69ElonDogeCoin. Buy scary metal parts off TradeMe. After years of research and testing, your time machine will eventually be ready. Go back to the night before it all began, and don’t have that final drink. You will wake up blissful and hangover-free, with no memory of the bitter, twisted few years. You will have no memory of your partner, or numerous children you conceived together. Was it worth it, old friend?
14. Drink some water! He he he.