Horoscopes - 2 May

Capricorn

Capricorns, you horny fuckers. Please do us all a favour and wear protection this week. The stars are telling me that an STI or a baby are in the near future… 

Sex toy of the week: Condom<3 

Aquarius

It’s acceptable to kink shame people with mommy issues. I know that’s you Aquarius, sick fucks.  

Sex toy of the week: The Bible 

Pisces

Your long-winded dry spell will end this week, but not in the romantic way you pictured. You’ll cave to the desperate fuck-boy in your DMs, and thats totally fine! 

Sex toy of the week: Anal beads  

Aries

Everyone knows Aries are a fiery spirit! Why not play with fire as well? Candle wax makes for a hot night of fun x 

Sex toy of the week: $3 candles from Kmart 

Taurus

Who’s in charge? You are! Make the decisions this week and leave your partner stuck watching you in awe.  

Sex toy of the week: Bondage kits 

Gemini

Use this week to put yourself first. If the mediocre sex from your highschool sweetheart isn’t cutting it, take matters into your own hands.  

Sex toy of the week: Satisfyer Pro 2 

Cancer

Is their shit chat or gross little moans turning you all the way off? Ram a ball in their mouth and orgasm without any distractions.  

Sex toy of the week: Ball gag  

Leo

Simplicity is key! Some may say it's boring but missionary just hits the spot. Lock eyes and get to work… 

Sex toy of the week: Nothing kinky for you x 

Virgo

Screwing the crew is almost never the right move. But this week is different. Go knock on their door wearing fuck all, trust me. 

Sex toy of the week: Your flatmate 

Libra

Stop overlooking foreplay goddammit! Ease your way into things for once and you might not be left with a disappointed partner.  

Sex toy of the week: Cock ring 

Scorpio

The classic saying “getting finer with age” is not only applicable to wine and cheese. Find yourself an older person and watch your expectations of sexual partners skyrocket. 

Sex toy of the week: 30+ 

Sagittarius

Stop acting like you’re too cool for dating apps. Bite the bullet and start swiping babes, it's 2022 for God’s sake! 

Sex toy of the week: Tinder