Getting pissed and saving turtles:

How to be an environmentally sustainable piece of shit on the weekend

We’re into week three of the uni year, which means that the bender is well and truly underway. Considering the Earth is probably going to cark it sometime soon unless we get our shit together – Massive thought it’d be civil to shine some light on how to be an environmentally sustainable piece of shit on the weekend. Students get so much shit from society, it would be kinda fun if we were the ones to save the day - maybe student alcoholism could finally be seen in a respectable light.  

I’ll be the first to admit that the environment isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind when getting totaled off a $7 bottle of Cleanskin (then waking to the taste of cum and last night’s darts). Yes, I too am disappointed in myself. However - it seems I’m not the only one who has trouble with being eco-conscious when getting off my tits. As journalism student Bob, says, “It’s a bit fucking tough to save the environment when you can’t stand.” Bob has a solid point. However, we can’t even save the environment sober so maybe trying to save the environment when pissed could actually work better? A gal can only dream.   

DRINKS

We shun those who aren’t using reusable water bottles but how can we act so high and mighty when we’re drinking disposable vessels? Okay, so the disposable vessels can be recycled but damn recycling is expensive, and I believe in better ways.  

What happened to punch bowls? Get some bottles of OJ, Sprite, Smirnoff, and some berries. This $50 concoction could knock out at least five people! Three recyclable bottles amongst five people are way better than a bunch of bottles and cans. Plus, that’s like $10 for a good night and that empty Smirnoff bottle will make for a bougie flower vase.  

If you can’t be bothered with punch and you just want some cans, look no further than a box of Part Time Rangers. Each flavour has an animal assigned to it and for every can they sell, 10% of profits goes towards a conserving that animal. A box of 10 cans is between $25-$30 and they are about 6% alcohol, woooo! Recycle those cans, though. 

Scrumpy in a bottle is always better than buying small cans. You get a single nine standard beverage instead of several one standard cans that, let’s face it, always end up getting knicked at parties. If you tape Scrumpy to your hands, even better. Theft is a cause close to Massive’s tender heart.  

Another vessel-limiting idea could be to buy a crate instead of a bunch of bottles. It should take you a few nights to get through a whole crate and then once you’re done with it, take the crate back to the shop ya got it from and get a little bit of cash back. Turns out, saving money when drinking saves the environment too! Who would’ve thought! 

Finally, make sure you’re not throwing away any booze. Tipping old wine down the sink? Such a sad sight. As Design student AJ says, “I don’t waste any of the alcohol that I buy. Oh wait, that’s not true… I vomit it all back up at the end of the night.” Maybe have a night in and tally how many cans you need to have for a good night. Perhaps keep drinking till you find your vomiting point and keep that in mind for your next night out. Not only could this potentially save your liver, but also your bank account. More importantly, remember, eating is NOT cheating.

HYGIENE:  

We’re all guilty of showering before a party, trying to look out best. Don’t bother. You’ll just end up sweaty at the end of the night, either from dancing, drinking or, well, fucking. If you’re gonna shower, use cold showers, people. A hose in the back garden does the trick for washing down a bunch of people at once.  

Fasion student El’s sustainability trick is “piss out your alcohol on as many bushes as possible”. She’s been caught more than once peeing on the plants at the Welly Botanical Gardens. Someone get this girl a Nobel Peace Prize. 

If you’re going to a party that has a pool, don’t piss in it. Otherwise, some poor fuck will have to drain the pool and fork the bill. What a waste! Dolphins will die because of that, not to mention, the water turning purple from your piss (totally not a rumor). 

This goes for shitting in a pool or body of water too. Don’t do that. Shit on each other during sex, it’s way more sustainable. 

BEER PONG 

You’re at uni, you’ve probably been playing beer pong for a while now, which means you’re ready for a new level. Introducing menstrual-cup pong! Any liquid is a shot if you’re brave enough. 

Get ya gal pals over and balance those menstrual cups on a table and fill them up with spirits! You’ll need to drill some holes in the table for the toggles to stand in but hey, this limits those plastic red cups from eventually ending up in the recycling bin. Again, if you use a bottle of spirits, you save some coin and end up with a bougie flower vase. 

If that’s too much for you, what about reusable bamboo cups that don’t quite die as quickly as those plastic red bastards? If you invest in a bunch of them, they’ll last you longer than your degree – maybe your kids could one day drink out of them too <3  

We need to stop buying red disposable cups just because that one episode of Glee made it cool. If you succumbed to the red solo cup phase, just wash ‘em out and reuse them.  

Or honestly, just use the mugs and glasses you already have. Let’s face it, your friend Kyle isn’t good at beer pong, he’s not gonna get a shot in anyway, so there’s no need to worry about breakages. 

DURRYS AND CONES  

You’re in Wellington, it’s 2021, you’re a broke student, buy a fucking vape instead of that dirty pack of Choice Reds. Abandoned cigarette butts are just not a hot look.  

Don’t ask Massive about the wastage of hard plastic from vape pods. We’re trying not to think about it. 

If your lungs aren’t quite ready to take on a sugary nicotine, get your last jam jar and turn it into your mobile ashtray and durry bin. You’ll be noticed and notable for being the cute person that brings a mobile durry bin. 

Really, at this stage, weed is the most sustainable option. No wonder it’s beloved by hippies around the world. All you need is a bong or a pipe, there’s no need to constantly buy papers or pods. Even better, make a bong out of a plastic bottle, it’s recycling baby! If you want to be extra nifty, make sure to check out Massive’s editorial for how to make a mean apple pipe. It counts as one of your 5+ a day.  

FOOD 
If you’re providing food, buy it in bulk. Go to a Bin Inn store for cheap cooking supplies and make a bunch of homemade bread and cakes with dips. If you can’t be fucked with that, make everyone bring their own food and change your BYO Facebook event title to TYORHADOIC – Take your own rubbish home and dispose of it correctly.  

Again, saving coin because you don’t have to fill your expensive rubbish bags. Also saving your recycling bins for more space for you AND saving the environment because you’ve made everyone responsible for their own rubbish. 

If you do feel an itching for some greasy chips, support your local chippie rather than Macca’s. They tend to wrap chips in newspaper sheets rather than cardboard, plus shopping local is always nice.  

SEX 

There’s nothing worse than seeing a turtle with a used condom stuck up its nose. This year, why not try something new? Wish.com has reusable condoms, so if you trust that their beautiful lingerie is made of materials that won’t give you a yeast infection, perhaps you’ll be brave enough to try one of these? 

I would suggest the pull-out method, but I am living proof that it’s highly ineffective so don’t do that. Dry-humping is also another highly underrated art form. Ah, I miss high school.  

Actually, I take this all back, let’s not fuck with potentially unwanted STDs and pregnancy. Use a condom, please. Everyone knows that children are pretty much the biggest nightmare to sustainability.  

CLEANING 

No need to keep buying cleaning products from the supermarket. Rather, mix one part water to one part vinegar, this cleans everything. Disinfect your whole house with this after your bash. Use washable cloths, maybe bin (or burn) them if you’ve had to wipe diarrhea off your toilet walls. 

Make sure to recycle! If you lack the amenities for this, consider lugging your rubbish to uni (lol) or a proper recycling spot. Hopefully you’ll be down a few bottles and wrappers thanks to our handy tips and tricks.  

Better living everybawdy.