Depression Meals: Edamn y’all like cheese

It’s the cap-off to the trilogy no one asked for, but EVERYONE wants. My third year working for Massive  –– Season 3, if you will. New cast members, returning favourites, and sadder meals than ever before. 

A depression meal is your go-to food for when the big sad is just getting you down. They are whatever is on hand, usually the bare minimum. You might eat fresh ravioli when you’re depressed because it makes you happy, but that does not make it a depression meal. If you were to say eat a tub of cream cheese with some basil mixed in, I’d call that a depression meal.  

The most depressing part of all these meals is that almost every single one has cheese –– and I’m lactose intolerant. 

Even the most stable person has their depression meal. Why don’t we see what the Massive staff have been stuffing down their gullets and who will be awarded the mighty Mayor of Flavour Town. 

Jessie’s pasta and cheese 

Described by the creator as “depressingly beige”, this meal consists of over-boiled pasta, boiled in extremely salty water, topped with shredded edam cheese. Part of me wonders why we cannot add sauce. It is one step away from being not so depressingly beige. But then I realised that’s missing the pointy entirely. Depression meals aren’t about enjoyment, they’re about stuffing your face as quick as you can, no matter the consequences. 

Sammy’s cheesy popcorn and vanilla ice cream  

Pre-eating thought: Why. 

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. What did I do to piss you off? 

Is this really Sammy’s depression meal, or is this something gross that was invented just to test me? We may never know, but I’m leaning towards the latter. 

Sadly, I could not find powdered cheese, so I had to resort to MORE shredded edam. Again, I’m lactose intolerant. 

This meal pushed my limits. The taste was… fine? It wasn’t bad… and wasn’t good? But certainly wasn’t bad. The texture though… oh god. I feel like if the cheese were powdered it’d be just like eating a lightly dusted sundae. The way I ate it, however, was nothing short of a horrific journey in food abominations. 

Sammy, for whatever I did, I am sorry. 

Bella’s shin ramen w/ a handful of edam cheese melted on top 

Pre-eating thought: I have had too much dairy today. 

This was a lot nicer than I thought. Something about cheese which has been warmed in liquid really sets off my ick-o-meter, and the way the cheese clumped around the noodles didn’t help. Texture was a mixed bag, with some bites being slimy and some being just noodle.  

Taste wise though… holy shit. The way the cheese mixes with the spice of the ramen broth is something to behold. When I was done, I wanted more. I NEEDED more. I cannot recommend it enough –– this one was something special. 

Natalya’s air fried frozen pork dumplings w/ soy sauce 

Pre-eating thought: Hallelujah, no cheese. 

I adore dumplings. I love em steamed, fried, boiled. I even love those weird dumplings you have in soup. I was so excited for this one, only for it to be ruined by my damn air fryer. While more convenient than making a pot of oil or creating a steamy environment for the dumplings, air frying takes all the goodness outta this lovely snack. What should be soft, squishy and juicy balls of awesome, turns into crunchy yet tasty pork treats which stab my mouth. 

I take full responsibility for this travesty, and promise to do better in the future. 

Kira’s beans on toast w/ cheese 

Pre-eating thoughts: More cheese… oh god… 

Beans on toast will forever be a staple in the student’s diet. It’s so simple, so cheap, so easy and ALWAYS SO DELICIOUS. You can never go wrong with beans on toast, except for when you have them too many times in a row. It’s a meal that’s great up 'til a point. One day you wake up and you just can’t eat beans no more. And then you feel sad. But a few weeks go by, and maybe the craving returns. It’s a vicious cycle, one that I am more than happy to be a part of. 

Elizabeth’s hashbrown and butter sandwich 

Pre-eating thought: I have seen the face of god and it’s beautiful. 

Unsurprisingly, this one was a solid one to end on. I have never had a bad hashbrown before, and I don’t think it’s possible to make bad hashbrowns. I know that’s an outrageous claim, but I prefer to live in ignorance. 

Literally slap a hashbrown between two pieces of buttered bread and eat that shit. Couldn’t be simpler. I got a little fancy and added some BBQ sauce to my second one. Yup, I enjoyed this meal so much I made it twice. It really was that good. 

The Results 

This was the toughest call I’ve had to make in my three years at Massive, but I am confident in my decision. 

The new Mayor of Flavour Town is none other than... DESIGNER BELLA! 

I don’t like picking favourites, but if someone demanded that I did, my favourite meal would no doubt be Bella’s shin ramen with cheese. Aside from a texture that was slightly dubious, and my lactose intolerance being tested by all the shredded cheese, it was brilliant. Genuinely, this is a depression meal I can see myself adopting –– if I didn’t need to desperately take a break from all the dairy I’ve had. Seriously, people, y'all eat a lot of cheese.