Vending Machine Verdicts
What your Massey vending machine snack says about you
Mixed Lolly Bag
Like their favourite vending machine snack, this person is like the human equivalent of shuffle on Spotify –– always unpredictable. They’re the life of the party, but deep down fear commitment more than they fear choosing one kind of lolly to eat. Their love for Taylor Swift suggests they enjoy emotional rollercoasters, and the mixed lolly bag is their way of embracing chaos in its sweetest form.
These people are strategic. They don’t just share their lollies with their classmates, they gift their worst enemy the candy equivalent of chewing on a flavourless eraser –– Milk Bottles. Kudos to them for turning lolly-sharing into a subtle act of hate.
Energy Drinks
This person is living life on the edge (of a mental breakdown). They’ve mastered the art of surviving on a diet of caffeine and regrets. Energy drinks for breakfast, lunch, and tea? More like the three-course meal of champions –– if champions were fuelled by equal parts desperation and caffeine-induced heart palpitations.
They consume energy drinks like their sanity depends on it –– and let’s face it, it probably does. Their aversion to coffee suggests they prefer their jitters served with a side of chemical aftertaste and diabetes.
Nuts
In a world full of processed temptations, these health-conscious warriors are on a quest for a crunchy escape. These nutjobs always start their day with a sunrise yoga session and end it with a kale smoothie bowl, all while wearing Lulu Lemon leggings that cost more than your weekly rent. They’re the kind of people who believe in the power of protein and the sanctity of omega-3 fatty acids.
However, it can be hard being nuts about nuts. After all, perfect macronutrient ratios and maintaining a flawless downward dog pose is no small feat. Namaste, you nutters! May you continue walking the path towards crunchy enlightenment.
Chocolate Bars
These sugar-coated darlings are every dentist’s nightmare. In a world where nut lovers pretend to understand macronutrient ratios, these chocoholics drown in infinite pools of sugar. They’re the connoisseurs of comfort and cavities. Most will have a full set of veneers by the time they reach 25.
While dentists might cringe at their sugary escapades, these chocolate addicts remain unfazed. They indulge in their favourite guilty pleasure that leaves mouths watering and dental bills skyrocketing. Here’s to the chocolate concubines –– the sweethearts with a dental defiance, making the world a little sweeter one cavity at a time.
Chips
The human embodiment of a snack-time symphony nobody asked for. They’ve mastered the art of turning every lecture into an unwarranted auditory feast of open-mouthed chewing, coughing, and crunching. They’ve turned snacking into a performance that nobody wanted but can’t escape.
Their greasy fingers and hair are evidence of a love affair with crispy delights. What truly sets them apart is their passion for mansplaining. Fuelled by an unhealthy amount of sodium and a misguided sense of superiority over women, they’re ready to enlighten you about how the Barbie movie was actually an attack against men.
Mrs. Higgins Fruity Anzac Cookie
A self-proclaimed connoisseur of both baked goods and subtle superiority, they convey an air of, “Do you really think your taste buds can appreciate the sophisticated blend of oats and dried apricots like mine can?"
They have a knack for subtle put-downs, as if the act of enjoying the worst tasting cookie to exist grants them an elevated status. Much like their choice in sweets, their personalities are beige, disappointing and underwhelming.
In the academic realm, they thrive on copying the work of others. They are convinced that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery –– or perhaps just the easiest way to get by after peaking in high school.