If Only I Was a Nepo Baby...

There are 168 hours in a week. Theoretically, I’m meant to be sleeping for 56 of those hours, studying for at least 40, and working two jobs for about 30. This leaves me 6 hours a day to dwell on my lack of funds, whether I’ll actually get a job once I finish my degree drowning in debt, and wishing I had been born a nepo baby. 

But according to Goop extraordinaire, Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s tough being born an icon. Nepo babies apparently must work twice as hard and be twice as good. Gosh, it must be rough getting handed everything on a silver platter because they inherited mummy and daddy’s wealth and connections.  

The things nepo babies can get away with because they were born with icon-status is utterly ridiculous and terrifying.  

Apple, Saint, Techno Mechanicus — unfortunately these are real nepo baby name. A terrible name chosen by their out-of-touch parents is a common trait among the nepo baby community. It gets the world to talk about them as soon as they’re out of the womb, in turn, solidifying their icon status. 

Nepo babies don’t just come with questionable names, they also come equipped with a CV of questionable job experiences. Apparently, nepo babies also have no idea what they want to do with their lives. But they get the privilege of trying anything and everything — no matter how untalented they are.  

My favourite nepo baby to pick on here is Brooklyn Beckham, the son of Posh Spice and Bend-it-like-Beckham. He used his nepo baby privilege to publish a book of blurry photographs (with no photography training), become a chef (with no culinary training), and try play football professionally (with no talent). Now, he’s a full time Instagram husband to fellow nepo baby Nicola Peltz. 

When Brooklyn Beckham lost interest in a job, or his lack of talent was a bit too obvious, I’m certain he always had mummy, daddy, and his trust funds to fall back on.  

You’d think that crime is the one thing nepo babies can’t get away with... but no. 

Take a look at one of the world’s biggest nepo babies, Prince Andrew. Andy’s friendship with sex offender Jeffrey Epstein got him a lot of things, including being outed as a paedophile. One of Epstein’s victims, Virgina Giuffre, accused Andy of sexually assaulting her on three separate occasions when she was 17 years old.   

But, born into the most well-known and powerful nepo families in the world, little Andy got off scot-free after being outed as a paedophile to the world. 

“Oh no he didn’t Jessie! He was stripped of his royal titles!” Boo-hoo. The Guardian reported in 2023 that Andy still has the hefty amount of $28 million NZD he earnt before being stripped of his titles. His big brother (cough cough taxpayer) also gives him an allowance to maintain the upkeep of his 30-bedroom Windsor Park mansion.  

Y’know where paedophiles should end up? Prison. But I suppose those guys just weren’t born with quite enough icon status.  

Royals are the ultimate nepo babies, but the ones born from politics come in a close second. Donald Trump has ruled over his businesses, campaigns, and even a country, through dozens of family members. Eric Trump, Don Trump Jr., Ivanka Kushner, and Jared Kushner have all been appointed by Donny himself. Who better to plan world domination with than your own crazy family?  

Most recently, Trump helped his daughter-in-law Lara Trump gain the role of the Republican National Committee’s co-chair. The RNC committeewoman, Beth Bloch, has told The Wrap that this move has been stamped with God’s approval. Considering Jesus was our original nepo baby, this totally makes sense. My favourite Jesus moment from the Bible was when he asked Judas “Do you even know who my father is?” 

Being born into icon status lets you get away with a lot. But is there anything nepo babies can’t get away with?  

Yes — the fact that they are a nepo baby. 

Many nepo babies act like they were completely self-made and get defensive when they feel their accomplishments are being diminished because of their familial connections. Many nepo babies are talented (except Brooklyn Beckham). But they were handed opportunities to hone their talent from birth that us normies would never get. Being unwilling to acknowledge this fact is tone-deaf and extremely unlikeable.  

Some of our world’s most beloved nepo babies — Dakota Johnson, Maya Hawke, Elizabeth Olson — are celebrated because of the self-awareness they have about their icon-from-birth status. 

So, to all my nepo babes out there, make sure you’re self-aware. Apparently acknowledging your privilege is all it takes to maintain your icon status in the nepo baby narrative.