Ramming w/ Fergus: Catching feels

Q. I think I’ve caught feelings for one of my friends, but I don’t know how they feel about me. Pls help  

A. It’s hard living in the human world of people who keep their cards close to their chest. I like to live life with everything out in the open. I never hide my feelings. All my paddock mates know I’m willing to go down on them at the drop of a hat. All they have to do is ask.  

If you aren’t sure how your friend feels about you, there are some signs you can look out for. One classic way I show someone I like them is by asking them to compare hoof sizes. This not only gives me the opportunity to see if their hooves need a trim (huge turn off), but they also get to see my huge hooves. And you know what they say about big hooves...  

I’ve very rarely been in the situation where I don’t know if someone likes this hot bod (it’s very rare that they don’t). My favourite way to test the water is by stealing the shearing scissors from my farmer. I lay them on a fence post and wait for the fine being to come over and shear me. If they don’t pick up the shearing scissors, I can assume they don’t wanna see my raw skin up close. But if they do... well, I know they wanna roll in the dirty mud together.  

I once liked this cow who had huge mommy milkers. She found the shearing scissors and rushed over to me. She was in such a rush to ram me that she only sheared my balls so she could see them better. I liked the view of them too.