Putting Fruit And Veges Up My Puss Cause Dilators Are Expensive
Words by Fanny Farmgirl (she/her)
Thinking about the rural farm girlies of Palmerston North, I took a chance on nature, on a mission to find a cheap alternative to cure vaginismus. Country girls make do of course.
Me, like many other women, have this thing called vaginismus. It’s an involuntary tensing of the vagina, particularly at the entrance. People like me experience it at the start of sex, while getting a pelvic exam, or even just when putting in a tampon. It can make having sex hurt (sad face react). Vaginal dilators can help stretch the skin and relax the muscles. Unfortunately, a set of these cost around $100 bucks.
My first challenge is facing the supermarket. I’m in the clear until I get to the self-checkout and forget what a yam is. The checkout man, a boy around my age, comes over and types it in for me. He makes a curious face, “Can I ask why you’re buying one yam?” I absolutely don’t want to answer, so I say, “You don’t wanna know.” Understandably horrified, he retreats.
But the interest of the woman next to me has piqued, “You’ve got an interesting array of items there.” I avoid eye contact. She won’t let it go, “They all look oddly phallic.”
I have been clocked so hard. I need an excuse, “It's for a challenge.” Worst thing I could say.
When I get home, I need to clean the fruit and veges but am not gonna risk repeating the supermarket situation with my flatmates. Instead, I washed them in the laundry sink — which, in hindsight, might be more suspicious than just washing veggies in the kitchen. But I am ready.
Clean veggies? In a bowl on the bed. Old container for used veggies? On the floor. Toilet paper for wiping up lube? On hand. Fringe? Clipped back. I. Am. Ready.
Yam(ming it up there)
I’m worried the bumps will be uncomfortable, but with a condom it's fine. A friend, who I was trying to call earlier to gossip about the supermarket interaction, calls me. I say, “You’ve called me back at the worst possible time, I have a yam inside me right now.” I laugh so much the yam tries to escape and I hold it in. The call ends pretty quickly.
After five minutes, the bumps start to feel unpleasant, so I use the loose end of the condom and pull it out.
(Baby) carroot me
This is better than the yam — the baby carrot just slips right in there and I can’t feel any bumps.
I lay down with my knees up and my laptop resting on my thighs and just let it sit there, doing its thing, stretching my entrance for ten minutes while I watch Love Island. The condom is longer than the carrot, so I am safe and protected from anything yucky.
On par(snip)
This is where I start to get nervous. The parsnip is skinny at the end and gets fat fast, I struggle to get the condom over the whole thing. I’m so nervous I spill lube all over my PJs trying to get it on the parsnip.
However, I’m surprised and impressed with how far I get it up. The first centimeter is hard because the parsnip has a blunt end (circumcised, if you will). But once I get past that, I manage to take just over half the parsnip. It doesn’t feel rough, but also doesn’t feel as smooth as the baby carrot.
After ten minutes I’ve become so relaxed that I get a fright from seeing the parsnip sticking outta my puss.
Banana split my puss
My boyfriend calls me as I’m putting the condom on the banana. I tell him, “This is not a good time, I’m putting vegetables up me, remember?” He doesn’t believe me, and I’m forced to send him a photo as proof (probably the most unsexy nude ever).
I bought a medium sized banana with just the right amount of curve. Upon closer inspection, the blunt and rough end makes me nervous, as well as the ridges. I worry this might be my first fail.
But once again my vagina’s abilities surprise me. I use the stem of the banana to push it up and it goes in with no fuss. It also surprisingly stays all the way in on its own, unlike the parsnip.
I don’t notice how big it is until I pull it out and release a long “ohhh”. The familiar feeling of vaginismus is starting to catch on to what I’m tryna do and my vagina is stinging.
Courguette in my puss
The courguette, while probably most resembling a penis, is quite thick. The end that’s entering me is also bigger than the other side.
Like the banana, I use the stem as leverage. I close my legs and put my knees up to provide the most comfort. This position is consistently the best for my vaginismus.
The first five centimeters are tight, but then it glides on in and even (very briefly) feels nice. I get almost the whole thing in. I keep my legs closed and knees together as it wants to pop out, but I let it sit there for five minutes.
Carroot me (bigger this time)
I’m an hour in and I don’t know if I need to pee, or my body is just telling me to cut it out. The condom is only just big enough to cover the whole carrot, and the bright colour is daunting.
You’ll be proud to know I get just over half the carrot in. I use a similar technique to the corquette to make this happen, including closing my legs tight and taking a deep breath. I even let out a moan to help it feel sexy (it didn’t, it made things worse).
The urge to pee is strong, but I dilate for three minutes. I pull it out and rush to the bathroom, to which only a small amount of pee comes out. Either my body just needed an excuse to stop, or I’m already getting a UTI.
I’m left with a bit of stinging, lube covered PJs, a finished toilet paper roll, a container on the floor filled with condom covered fruit and vegetables, condom wrappers, and lots of tissues. It's hard work fighting vaginismus on a budget. Luckily, I have a bag full of baby carrots (minus one) to regain my strength.