Ramming w/ Fergus: Hot Ram Summer

It’s the last issue of Massive for 2024, so I’m going to answer a few of your simple but necessary burning questions before I take a break for hot ram summer.  

Q. Hi Fergie baby, I've been trying to do long distance with my bf but I really miss him, have you got any advice? 

A. I’ve heard of this ‘long distance’ concept many times, and I have to say, it sounds CRIMINAL. What about the sex? I guess the only answer is to make a cardboard cutout of your boyfriend, buy a huge dildo, and stick it on the cutout.  

Q. Fergie, I don’t want a romantic relationship, just casual sex. How do I get into this type of situation? 

A. Tell them, “I have mommy issues”. It always seems to work for me. 

Q. Fergus, how do I tell someone I want to ram them? 

A. You should be very polite about it and put on your customer service voice. Like this, “Excuse me, could you do me a favour? I would very much like to ram you hard if you could assist me with that.”  

Q. Any advice for picking up chicks for a fellow fuckboy? 

A. If you need advice for ‘picking up chicks’, then you haven’t earned the fuckboy title. Next.  

Q. What can I say to get my partner to break up with me, so I don’t have to do it?  

A. You can say, “I fucked your dad.” Mention it was really good to seal the deal.  

Q. How can we be as perfect as you? 

A. You can’t <3