The She-Males Guide to Dating Women

Part one: The trade  

Have you ever caught yourself stuck between a cock and a hard place? Are you recovering from a nasty case of man-ingitis? If your brains aren’t too fried from short form video content then you suggest you grab your nearest dental dam so we can get to it. 

As (trans) women we love to walk into the same mediocre fantasy made by men, (and I thought we were the traps!) We offer our bodies, our hearts, our minds. And they offer us... normalcy? They offer us a blank canvas for us to project onto so that when we stand back and look at what’s been created, we’ll call it love and they’ll call it nothing serious. Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s the same story over and over, the same characters over and over - art school loser with moustache, older man reliving his youth through you, the uni student who’s too shy to show you off in front of his friends. Remember ladies, whenever there’s a trade, there’s a trade-off. 

Now do I think there are good men? Sure, I just don’t think ‘good’ is good enough. We deserve to be able to hold men accountable as our lovers. First, it began with settling in an unhappy marriage, then it became settling for a shitty boyfriend, and now we settle for a situationship we can’t even look back on as an ex. Men have run our economy, our politics, our bodies. Now they’re rewriting the meaning of romance and we’re not just letting them, but doing the work for them. It seems we are approaching a late-stage capitalism of loving one another, where shame is the secret third partner in our relationships - and we have to either shut the fuck up and cope, or look like the loser who doesn’t know how to pull. 

We all commit the same rituals too, scrambling to check Snapchat notifications, leaving out details when telling friends about how different he is, going on dates with women we know will lead nowhere. Now I don’t believe “if he wanted to, he would”, but I do believe “if he wanted to, he would at least try”. As easy as it is to write men off as immature or assholes, they know exactly what they’re doing, and exactly how to get what they want in the least amount of steps. Weaponised incompetence, plausible deniability and willful ignorance do not stop in the bedroom, if anything that’s where these things come out to play as some sadistic kink. You know what they’ve been saying... “Come over and watch a movie with me” is the new face fucking. 

So do what you will, pray to your god or do your man-infestations and take his cock down your throat. As long as you give him a sexy little smile when you come up for air. 

Art by Willow Jude Marama @tidalsigh

Part two: I’m a lesbian (and so are you) 

I’m a lesbian, that’s all, thanks for reading.  

No, of course it’s not that straightforward because why would anything ever make sense when you’re a woman with a penis. 

I have spent my life loving women at a distance. I would go as far as to say I’ve been committing the same acts of shame that I’ve just accused men of. I am completely enamoured, completely consumed by the women around me. The thing that terrifies me the most is having a love that compounds on itself rather than being controlled and constricted by a man. Women touch something within me. Maybe because it's me they’re touching, not the thick layer of shame I’ve built around myself to soothe the horrors that men carry. 

I've personally hidden being a lesbian for so long, to others, yes, but mostly myself. It’s a scary thing realising the heterosexual dream is built off a series of lies and fantasies and beliefs I’ve never held. I suppose I’ve also hidden this truth out of fear that I’m not lesbian “enough”. I mean I made bisexuality a personality trait of mine from age 12 through to the present. I’ve spent those six years almost exclusively pursuing men and watching women from a distance. I still have a love for men, I still want to fuck your dad, I just don’t think I can continue fooling myself that loving men is something sustainable. 

I think we have all been denying ourselves and each other autonomy over our sexualities. We are so conditioned to what it is men want, what it is we tell ourselves we want, that when an opportunity presents itself to love a woman - we freeze and things fall apart. Fuck that. 

Now, do I regret taking this long to come to terms with my sexuality? In a lot of ways, yes. But I think it runs deeper than just not eating pussy. By centering men I have neglected the female bonds around me. I have subconsciously told myself and women around me that they aren’t a priority and male validation is. Men became my saviour and women became my safety net. I regret not giving my all to the women I’ve dated, I regret not giving my all to the women I haven’t dated.  

One thing that’s scared me so much about loving women is not knowing what to do. I know how men work, I know what they want, and I’ve dehumanised them enough so that I don’t feel guilt when I Trojan horse them with my need for validation. But when it comes to women, I am truly, deeply afraid of getting it wrong. I will get it wrong. I will fuck up and I will have to chart unfamiliar territory.  

But if being a tranny has taught me anything, it's that your lover should never have to feel like an experiment or a burden, I will never make women the scapegoat for love that men will not accept. 

Thank you to every mid man I’ve dated who has shown me all I’m missing out on is bad sex and even worse philosophy. I’m excited for this new era, but it means accepting I won’t know what I’m doing all of the time. So, I will sit in humility, shut the fuck up and love until my heart gives out. 

Lots of love, Willow