The Strap: A Child of Divorce
“Strap for sale! Only used twice, good as new.
Open to offers. Need gone ASAP… reminds me of them :(“
A year ago, I met my first queer love, Lennox, the self-proclaimed ‘dirty non-binary’.
Lennox and I were technically only together for four months. This was a classic ‘long situationship turned short monogamous relationship’, if you will. It was my first queer relationship, before Lennox I was a ‘baby gay’ who had only ever been with cis-men.
Two months into my monogamous relationship (yay?) with Lennox, we decided to buy a strap together. Co-owning a strap felt like an exciting step for me, like the gay equivalent of… well I don’t know, whatever the fuck a big milestone is for straight couples... adopting a pet?
Lennox said they just wanted something that has the least resemblance to a penis as possible. Fair enough. We find one that comes with two attachments. One is a small inconspicuous looking black dildo, the other is bright pink and penis shaped, head and all. Lovehoney calls it the ‘Supersex Strap-On Pegging Kit’. Of all 203 reviews, we find one titled “Great for lesbian sex!!” and we’re sold.
When it arrives, we name both the dildos like they’re our children. Roxy for the black one, Trisha for the pink one. We display them on Lennox’s dresser.
But a couple of months later... we break up. Something no one warned me about queer relationships is that even a four-month long relationship can feel like a straight up divorce.
Top 3 Things I Lost in the Divorce:
The Strap (our child)
My Satisfyer Pro 2 (our third)
A bag of my hair (don’t ask)
The Strap. What happened to it? We never had a custody battle. It wasn’t in one of the bags of belongings we exchanged post-break-up. Oh… they kept it.
We broke up five months ago, and only now has this entered my mind. Is it ethical to re-use a strap you co-owned in a relationship with other partners?
I read through heated debates on Reddit over whether you should throw away your dildos after a breakup. I disagree with the majority of these people. Throwing away sex toys, in this economy?! Who on earth can afford that? And if we’re throwing away toys after every breakup, where do they all go? Is there a sapphic graveyard of used and abandoned strap-on dildos? Is there a reselling market?
I decide random queers on Reddit probably isn’t the best sound board for this topic.
I need to talk to my ex.
Lennox and I have just rekindled our friendship… so now is the perfect time to invite them over to discuss the ethics of strap-ons in queer relationships, right?
They’re sitting on my couch in a kilt and New Rocks. I can tell they don’t really know what they’re doing here, and I’m just grateful they even turned up.
“So do you think it's ethical to use a strap-on you bought with a partner with other people?”
I ask, wishing I could redact the sentence as it comes out of my mouth.
“Well, yeah… It’s just a material possession,” they say calmly.
We go on to muse over exactly why so many queer people feel weird about reusing toys that were bought in previous relationships. Why is it in general the queer community seems to put straps on a pedestal? It seemed like most of the cis lesbians ranting on Reddit were more upset that their exes were sleeping with other people than they were about the strap itself.
But I do empathise with those who are upset by the thought of it. Their grievances seem to be about how a strap can feel like an extension of their body, and in turn, it becomes an intimate part of their relationship with a partner. Many trans folk find wearing a strap gender-affirming, and it is an essential part of any sexual relationship. While I can’t relate to it, I see why that would hurt. I can’t help thinking about what it would feel like to have an ex take such an intimate part of my identity away from me to use with another person. At least within my relationship to my body and gender identity, a strap only really needs to be an additional tool in sex.
Lennox tells me, “Queer sex is queer sex in all of its forms, and it doesn’t have to revolve around using a dildo to help you mimic hetero sex.”
I have one question left for my ex, but I hesitate to ask. Lennox can tell, “I feel like you’re about to say something that you don’t want to ask… go on. I already know what it’s gonna be.”
“Okay… have you… used the strap with other people?”
“Yeah.”
I was holding my breath, but their answer didn’t actually shock me. When I first realised I had lost the strap in the breakup, I felt betrayed. But the more I sat with it, the more I was glad to be rid of it. For me, it was a symbol of my first queer relationship, and I didn’t need to hold on to that.
Lennox and I joked about what would’ve happened had the strap been in my possession when we broke up. They laugh, “Out of anger it would’ve been pretty fucking cool and symbolic of you to throw out the strap.” Bold of them to think I would’ve simply thrown it away… setting it on fire would've been much more fun.
One awkward conversation with my ex later, and these are my final thoughts on the ethics of strap-ons – keep the strap, don’t keep it, throw it away, set it on fire, bury it, or use it with all your future sexual partners. Please god, just sanitise it first. If you bought it, it’s up to you what you do with it. If you co-owned it with an ex… well, you should probably talk to them about it. Because if you don’t, they might just ask you to come over and bombard you with questions about the ethics of strap-ons.
Oh and, does anyone think a used sex toy marketplace for sapphics is a good business idea? Serious inquiries only, thanks.