The Massive Toilet Paper Review

Toilet paper: what separates man from beast. From booze poos to post-sex pissing, toilet paper has always been there in my time of need. However, with so much time squatting over a plastic seat in pain, whilst a lava of regrets and cheap tequila ejaculate through my anus, quality toilet paper makes a world of difference.  

Massive decided to answer the ultimate question: What is the best toilet paper? With this lofty goal in mind, we set out on a quest and well, brought all the fucking toilet paper at Countdown. Seriously, we have over a hundred rolls in our office, please help us. It looked like we were panic buying. Things got weird. Why can’t they sell one pack rolls???   

For judging, we focused on price, softness, durability, and absorbency.   

Absorbency strangely fell out of the criteria, with all the 2-ply rolls absorbing...the same amount of water? And then the 3-ply, again all the same as each other, just doing marginally better than the 2-ply. Honestly, we didn’t really know what to do with this information. But if you like to piss heavily over a folded wad of toilet paper, perhaps invest in 3-ply.   

We also looked at mascots (ya know, like the image printed on the package) and patterns. Whilst these didn’t have much sway over the final result, a nice aesthetic is always appreciated. Plus, after hours of fondling toilet paper, trying to feel which one is softer, you tend to lose your mind a little. The pattern gave us something nice to focus on. It was a very long day. 

Purex Soft White  

Average Price: $5.99 (12 pack)

Off the bat, I don’t love any toilet paper that declares themselves white in the name. Idk, just seems kinda racist. Purex is also only 2-ply. Yeah. So, it serves them right, notice how they don’t put THAT in the title.  

A small redemption from their mascot: a little brown puppy. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s fucking adorable. He looks soft and squishy, the perfect toilet paper substitute. His soft folds would get in every crevice.  

As for the paper itself, another fun pattern. Star squiggles! Kind of non-sensical but the attempt is appreciated.  

Softness: 2.5/5

Durability: 2.5/5  

Earthcare  

Average price: $4.70 (12 pack)

Earthcare makes those incredible commercials. You know the one. The one with the bear in the woods! Taking a shit! I nearly screamed when I saw that same bear on the packaging. It felt like meeting a celebrity.  

Sure, they’re only 2-ply, but the overall finish was a light, pleasant paper. The pattern was small, superficial dimples; overall resembling a golf ball. Micah, our designer, commented that this made it seem “very aerodynamic” which, if you’re looking for that in a toilet paper, go nuts. I wasn’t the biggest fan; I don’t like to be reminded of golf at the best of times. It’s killing the planet, okay?  

Softness: 3.5/5  

Durability: 2/5 

Smart Value

Average price: $10 (12 pack)

Smart Value is those huge fucking packs you buy. The bulk, zombie-movie disaster motherload where you don’t know when you’re next going to the supermarket.

No mascot, slight dimple pattern, they’re keeping it simple. 2-ply. This shit is not nice, it’s not fancy, but the perks come from the price and quantity alone. If you’re throwing a big party, this is your brand. If you feel like giving out free rolls on the side of the street, look no further. But for personal anus use, you can do better. You know you can. C’mon, I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks but you got this.  

Softness: 1/5

Durability: 1.5/5   

Savers

Average price: $5.20 (18 pack)

Savers had cute colours but honestly, just wish they would change their name. Please don’t remind me of how cheap I am. 2-ply, as if it could be anything else.  

Their mascot is a fern. Classic, empowering. However, it does also remind me of a time when prehistoric humans had to use plants as toilet paper. Fell into deep thought for 20 minutes. Concluded that ferns wouldn’t make nice toilet paper, but are nice mascots overall. 

Again, another dimple pattern. Urgh! Where’s the fun? Where’s the sudoku toilet paper, the sense of adventure?  

Softness: 2/5

Durability. 3/5  

Quilton 

Average Price: $7  (12 pack)

Quilton is a 3-ply goddess. It’s the kind of toilet paper your grandmother wipes with and you know that means it’s gotta be top tier. You don’t make it to 80+ years by disrespecting your butthole. 

The packaging - purple and brown - screams regal. It’s not trendy, but it’s old money, darling. And the name! Oh, the name! Quilton! My arse deserves a motherfucking, Egyptian cotton quilt. Quilt me, baby.  

Quilton’s mascot is a cupid which is my greatest beef with this wiping machine. Like, on one hand, a baby vaguely could be seen as a mascot. Babies are messy, they need to be cleaned thoroughly. But a romantic baby? Makes. No. Sense. As Micah described, “There’s no personality. Not a baby I’d like to chill with, seems strangely uptight.”  

One of the nicest patterns of the bunch, Quilton’s toilet paper featured a rose. It was romantic, even sentimental. Again, like the cupid thing, what’s up with the love theme here? I’m trying to wipe away the brown smears of my dignity, not perform a grand gesture in an airport.  

Softness: 5/5

Durability: 5/5  

EarthSmart

Average price: $5 (6 long rolls, so basically 12)

EarthSmart is one of those environmentally friendly toilet papers! Cool! Only 2-ply, but I’ll spare them the grief since they’re saving the planet (allegedly).

Their mascot is hidden on the back of their branding, showing a clear lack of confidence off the bat. At least own your shit, you know? But also, I kind of get why they’ve hidden it. It’s an owl. Not just any old owl, a menacing one. The kind of owl that gives you a piercing look if you scrunch, rather than fold, your TP. Not a cute vibe.  

No pattern for the eco warrior brand. Sad! What is this, Soviet Russia? Give us a little capitalist flare, I’m begging you.  

Softness: 2/5  

Durability: 1.5/5 

Paseo 

Average price: $6.50 (6 long rolls, so basically 12)  

At first glance, Paseo looked to be the same packaging as EarthSmart, just with a different name. And truth be told, they are by the same parent company or some shit. But oh, Paseo. You’re not like your younger brother at all. A tall, lush 3-ply roll, Paseo is well built and pleasing. Oh, and it’s hyper-allergenic for sensitive skin. Zoo wee mama!  

No mascot, no pattern. Just a black hole, a void of nothingness. Mood.  

BUT - the money saved by ignoring capitalist trends has clearly gone straight back into the TP beacuse this guy was durable af, and soft like a cloud. I had vivid fantasies about the toilet roll transforming into a human man and carrying me in his muscular arms into a wood cabin. This was hour three of reviewing toilet paper, so my mental state was slipping a bit, to be fair.  

Softness: 5/5

Durability: 4/5

Kiwi Soft 

Average price: $4  (12 pack)

Kiwi Soft was embarrassing to meet in the cold light of day. He’s my toilet paper. You know, the one I actually buy. It’s almost embarrassingly cheap of me, but I share my bathroom, okay! I’m not about to be spending $10 on toilet paper for my flatmates to experience cotton cunnilingus. I also don’t want to be that freak that hoards nice toilet paper under my bed. So Kiwi Soft is my go-to. Cheap ‘n nasty.  

Their mascot is a kiwi in a rugby shirt. I mean you expect it; it’s in the name, but must we really deal with the nationalistic propaganda, even when wiping our inner most parts? Mostly though, I just don’t like the kiwi’s vibe. It has big eyes, and a coying smile. Reminds me of a creepy uncle that’s inappropriate at parties. 

So a tick for upholding the ‘kiwi’ part of the name, but where the fuck is the softness? I felt cheated. It’s like calling a scorpion ‘cuddly.’ This thing is far more likely to sting you than caress you. 

And don’t get me started on the pattern. The first, and only, use of colour amongst all the toilet paper, and you can see why other brands keep it au naturel. Green flecks of what I can only presume to be grass littered this tapestry. Micah muttered “half assed, pathetic” scathingly under his breath. Worst of all, the pattern was off-centre. Is it too much to ask for a little attention to detail?  

Softness: 1/5

Durability: 3/5 

Countdown Essentials 

Average price: $3.20 (12 pack)

Essentials was the cheapest of the lot, and for good reason. The paper was barely holding together; the miserable 2-ply sheet coming apart at the seams. 

The mascot for Essentials was a toilet paper. Very meta.  

The pattern was subtle - like small needlework stitches. Homely and unassuming. 

Most importantly though, you just don’t feel in safe hands with Essentials. “I’m shitting out necessity rather than pleasure,” said Micah.

Softness: 2.5/5

Durability: 1/5

Kleenex  

Average price: $9.90 (6 long rolls, so basically 12)

Kleenex was the one I was most excited about. There was something so indescribably sexy about it. A total Zaddy. There was no information on their ply count on their packaging, they seem to have transcended beyond ply. Instead, they were big on something called “ripple technology”. Mmm, okay babe.  

Their mascot was a golden retriever. Fuck yeah. Cute, soft, cheeky. Everything a mascot should be. Kiwi Soft, take notes.  

But then we did the softness test and HOLY FUCK. I felt like I was holding an angel’s pillowcase. Micah “couldn’t tell the difference”, but he’s a guy and he doesn’t even notice when I wear the same hoodie to work several days in a row. Or maybe he’s too polite to say something. Whatever. Micah gave this a 4/5, but his opinion is inferior. Try remembering my birthday next time, okay.  

Durability is where things really went down for Kleenex. Their tissue past origins caught up to them. The fabric, though rippled, was ultimately weak. Even worse, it didn’t even break at the seam. Just came off as little pathetic tufts in my hand. No one likes toilet paper jizz. 

Softness: 6/5

Durability: 1/5 

Cotton Softs 3-ply Posh:  

Average price: $6  (12 pack)

Calling a toilet paper “posh” is the biggest mood killer since Robin Thicke. Like sure, I’m trying to have a nice thing, but I’m not about to join the fucking Royal Family. Calm down Cotton Softs.   

Their pattern is a cloud. Fucking finally! Someone understands the assignment. Clouds are the perfect pattern: dreamy, soft and just the kind of thing I’d love to leave skid marks on. But overall, kinda disappointing. In the end, I could barely remember this paper. It just got lost amongst the competitors, swallowed whole by the throes of the crowd. Also, kind of weird how the company name is Cotton Soft but the brand is Cotton Softs. Just sayin’.  

Softness: 2/5  

Durability: 1.5/5 

Sorbent Hypo-allergenic Thick & Large (8 rolls)  

Average price: $7.49 (8 pack)

Not gonna lie, I mostly just brought this because of the words “Thick & Large”. It was practically begging for a good dick joke. These were advertised as king-sized, because the sheets are 30% larger. Comparing a toilet roll to a bed is an interesting tactic, but I kind of...get it? Although shitting in a bed isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds, trust me.   

Mascot is some scary skeleton trees. Very moody, very Twilight 2012. Thinking about Twilight made me feel better, so I appreciate the artistic choice.  

When it came to the durability test, much like the thickest and largest dicks I know, this sheet didn’t last very long. It was nice, whilst it lasted. I’ll probably still hit it up when I’m drunk. 

Softness: 4/5

Durability: 2/5  

The Winner 

There were fights. There were tears. But ultimately, we just had to give the win to Quilton. It’s not the cheapest of the lot, but it’s far from the worst offender in terms of price. Quilton is a soft, luxurious roll that offers a strong, user-friendly experience. It’s romantic, strong, basically the boyfriend of my dreams. Really gets up inside the ass too.  

Shout outs also go to Paseo and Earthcare for decent rolls at decent prices. Love you guys. Wish I could take you all home with me.