Sexpectations

Sex! Sex… is fun! Sex… is sexy!  
Sexcapades! Sextant! Sex and the City!  

But for a lot of people, sex also comes with… 

Sexpectations – the best kind of sex is healthy sex. 

The Dreaded “First Time” 

The pressure for what “the first time” should be is downright ridiculous. For the majority of us, we learn about sex in high school, maybe even earlier. It’s taught in a very scientific manner, made out to be incredibly black and white, without much detail being given as to how it is emotionally, socially or even mentally for a person. 

Social pressures, societal expectations, and (arguably the biggest offender) pornography have tainted what the idea of “the first time” should really be. A lot of people go into their first time thinking that the experience is going to be absolutely mind-blowing, that they’re gonna fuck like a pornstar and every minute of it is gonna feel as beautiful as the love scene between Zendaya and Hunter Schafer from Euphoria (season two, episode four). The reality is usually anything but, yet these are the expectations so many build up for us in our heads. 

It's probably super awkward, kinda fumbly, and will leave you saying, “that’s it?” It could even be worse, something you think about later on in life and cringe over, and it might even hurt a bit. 

Let’s Talk About Sex Bay-bee, Let’s Talk About YOU-AND-ME 

As cheesy as it sounds, the most enjoyable first time for anyone is the one they feel ready for, where they are not feeling pressured or unsure about any aspect of it. Sadly, many people still need to learn that CONSENT IS KEY. Sex without consent is not sex, and consent is something which can be withdrawn at any time. Lately I’ve noticed that there is a growing sexpectation that once you start, that’s it, you can’t stop till the other person is satisfied. This idea isn’t anything new, but the lack of normalised conversations about sex, as well as generation of teens growing up with internet porn teaching them about sex, means this gross idea has only been perpetuated and embedded within society. 

The need for consent doesn’t end once the fun begins – it’s something which should be actively given and checked in on during it. Something as simple as asking your partner(s) if they’re enjoying themselves, if what you’re doing is okay, if they’re comfortable. Anything less than an enthusiastic yes should be taken as a no. 

This has all been in the context of “first times”, but this really goes for any time.  

“But where do I fit in?” 

Outside of listening to your partner, something of equal importance is to listen to yourself. There are often awful misconceptions that once it starts you have an obligation to keep going, but the worst thing you can do for yourself is to keep on keeping on when you’re really not into it at all. Consent goes both ways, and if you find yourself giving anything less than that sweet sweet enthusiastic yes then the best thing you can do is stop. Any reasonable person would be understanding, and if they start putting that sexpectation on you to keep going then they’re not thinking of you and do not have your wellbeing in mind at all. The best sex is the sex you BOTH enjoy; it should never be a one-sided thing. Forcing yourself to keep going when you really don’t want to can be so mentally taxing, so if your body is screaming no when your partner is screaming yes, then pumping the brakes is the best bet. 

The whole experience is supposed to be fantastic fun for everyone involved, but if one person isn’t having a good time, then ultimately, it’s not a good time. 

Under pressure  

We’ve talked a lot about consent, about yes and no, but we haven’t talked about the times when we might say yes, but really mean a big fat no.  

One of the worst things to be on the receiving end of during sex, is pressure. And not the fun “wow there’s a hot person lying on top of me” pressure, but the nagging till you say yes kind.   

A sexpectation which seems all too common is that if you’re saying no, you’re just playing hard to get. If someone doesn’t take your no as a resounding “no”, keeps putting on moves or just asking over and over till you say yes, then they’re really not worth it. I feel like this is something a lot of younger people in our community need to hear, that once no is said that should be it.  

If you keep asking till they change their mind, that’s not consent, that’s coercion.  

Sex is one of the most vulnerable things a person can engage in, and to be pressured into it can be a mentally scarring and just downright awful experience.  

NOW WITH ALL THAT IN MIND… 

Sex is meant to be fun for all involved! Never guessing the yes and making sure all are comfortable is a simple way to guarantee that a fantastic time is had. You need to feel comfy in your own skin, and make sure that the others are feeling the same when pressed against yours.