Confessions of… someone who took a 1-year break from sex (while in a relationship)
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Confessions of someone who took a 1-year break from sex (while in a relationship)
I have always felt fairly sexually liberated, I discovered porn when I was around 14 and would frequently, and enthusiastically, masturbate.
When I was 20 I had sex for the first time with my first proper boyfriend. I knew that sex shouldn't have to hurt, that there didn't have to be any bleeding and that the hymen is like a scrunchie, not like gladwrap across the top of a water bottle, and that a lot of lube was going to be needed. I hadn't been saving myself for the right person or anything like that, this was just my first opportunity and I felt comfortable and ready.
The first time, perhaps as an ode to my sexual liberation, I was on top. It was super painful and we quickly stopped. Over the next few months we tried some more in different positions, often having to stop due to my pain, until we reached a point where we were having regular, pain free sex (after the first 30 seconds).
Over the next year we went from having sex once a week, if that, to once a month. Last year, we didn't have penetrative sex at all. Non penetrative sex also decreased, as it was all associated with the same stress and pain. Because I didn't want to have sex, it made me doubt my attraction to my partner and whether continuing our relationship was going to be best for us - luckily we did.
Throughout this, I was having very bad menstruation issues - cramps that would leave me off work for days, pain that made me vomit or almost pass out, and very heaving bleeding had been ongoing since I began my period at 14. Due to these issues I ended up seeing my GP a few times about it, as well as two specialists and later a psychologist who I also discussed this with. I was told that I was lucky to have such an understanding partner who would be with someone who couldn't have penetrative sex, a sentiment echoed by pretty much everyone I spoke to.
I found this sickening. You never owe your partner sex. End of story. Respecting someone not wanting to have sex is not something that should be congratulated. It's the absolute bare minimum. Yes, I am thankful that my partner has never pressured me, or made me feel bad about it, but that shouldn't be unusual.
I ultimately had surgery and an IUD put in which thankfully, resolved these issues. Despite having my gynecological problems resolved mid-late last year, it's taken a while to want to have sex again - even though it is a lot less painless now. I'd developed a stress reaction because I was anticipating pain - probably due to the pain being similar to that of my horrific and debilitating periods. My mental health was also deteriorating and because I'd grown use to not having sex, it just wasn't really on my radar. I was at a point that all of the physical intimacy I needed was from a loving embrace that couldn't hurt me.
In some ways, I think our relationship is stronger due to our year without having penetrative sex. Our relationship doesn't rely on sex; there will never be an pressure and each other's company is all we really need to be happy, sex is a nice cherry on top.
This is by no means an ode to abstaining from penetrative sex, or to sticking in a relationship where the sex isn't good if you don't want to. But rather, this is an ode to being honest and open and knowing that you never owe anyone sex. It sometimes feel like sexual liberation means sleeping with lots of people (which it can be) but importantly, sexual liberation is about making decisions about what you do with your body. Not having penetrative sex for a year was my sexual liberation.
If you don't feel like you can have open conversations about sex, or are feeling pressured to have sex, please chat to people you trust about it this, or seek help.
You are always allowed to say no. You are always allowed to ask to stop. You are always allowed to decide what you do with your body.
Safe To Talk (sexual harm helpline): 0800 044334
Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00
You can revoke consent at any time during sex and can change your mind even after earlier enthusiastically consenting. If sexual connection continues after you have revoked consent, this constitutes sexual violation which under s128B of the Crimes Act 1961 and is liable for a term of imprisonment not exceeding 20 years.