Sexcapades: Buzzing in the Lecture Theatre
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I was having a bad week, okay, so I was cry-masturbating pretty much all the time. Like honestly, just all the time. My Satisfier Pro 2 was my best friend, with the man from the dairy my solid no.2 (thanks Brian for serving me icecream and vape juice at 8am without judgement xx) I’d taken to carrying my vibrator around in my backpack, don’t even ask me why. Sometimes the urge just comes to me in the library bathrooms.
Last Thursday, I was settling down for a really fucking boring lecture. About 50 people, one old dull white guy, you know the drill. I’d come in late so I was sitting front row, unfortunately. About 5 minutes in, someone’s phone starts buzzing. VERY loudly. Everyone’s just kind of waiting for it to stop, but it just keeps going. After about 2 minutes, our professor interrupts and says “Can everyone please turn their phone off?” My phone was on my desk, on silent, so I wasn’t too bothered. Just kinda annoyed at whoever this idiot is.
Another minute passes, and it’s like REALLY. Who the fuck is calling you this much? At this point, the girl next to me nudges me and I realise the noise is...coming from my backpack. Oh fuck. I think you all know what it is at this point.
Fearing for my fucking life at this point, I tentatively unzip my backpack, and sure enough, my bullet vibe is bouncing round the bottom, just really going for it. I don’t even know how she got started, maybe I knocked it? Maybe I’d never even turned it off? Whatever it was, the beast was ALIVE. As politely as I could, I reach inside.
The trouble with this lil gremlin is that, she doesn’t have a normal on-off switch. She’s the kind of vibrator where you need to cycle through at least 6 different settings before it turns off. I KNOW. She was $20 okay, let’s not judge. So, I shove my hand in my bag and start pressing the switch as quickly as I can, with the buzzing noise getting louder/more aggressive with as it passes each setting. At one point, just before I reach the last setting, half of my arm shoved in my backpack at this point, I look up and make eye contact with my professor. He knows. I know. Everyone knows. Finally, I reach the off cycle, and the silence is palpable. The rest of the lecture is the longest hour of my life. Could have died of embarrassment. From now on, I’m leaving my collection firmly at home.