RTDs: Froth It or Fuck It?A Review

Despite what some people might tell you, getting fucked up is an art-form. RTDs are a delightful, fruity concoction that goes down quick, and comes up even quicker. Good for drinking games, high-schoolers and decorating your room, RTDs are your go-to for a good night. But how does one decide what sickly-sweet future hangover to choose? Massive got some seasoned RTD drinkers together and put some of the classics to the test, as well as some of the new kids on the block.  

Wild Raspberry Cruiser 

It wouldn’t be an RTD review without involving a Cruiser somehow. Wild Raspberry Cruiser has strong Cool Charm body spray energy. You know there’s better products out there, but there’s something endearingly young and hot about this little gem. Drinking this is like snorting a line of straight raspberry jelly crystals, it’s fucking SWEET. Like your-mum-left-you-in charge of-the-Raro sweet.  

It’s very drinkable but brought up a bit of trauma for our ex-halls of residence reviewers. Best way to describe this guy is as a ‘naughty starburst lolly’. 

Definitely a goer if you’re looking for something to fill your beer pong cups with because you have to knock it back fast to avoid the vodka aftertaste.  

2.5/5  

The imminent sugar induced hangover just isn’t worth it.  

Smirnoff Ice Double Black with Guarana 

This is literally just a vodka Red Bull. So, if you enjoy one of those on a drunken night then this is for you. Tastes exactly like any time a straight boy has offered to buy you a drink in a club. Awkward but fuck it, the things we do for alcohol.  

It’s definitely tasty and doesn’t have the same aggressive sweetness as the Cruiser. Same deal though, very sugary with the little energy drink bonus. Would be great for pres if you need some convincing to go out for the tenth Wednesday in a row when you have a 9am the next day.  

3/5 

It really is just a vodka Red Bull, though.  

Clean Collective Wild Berry, Sparkling Water and Vodka 

Drinks like these are part of the new trend to make binge drinking *healthy*. I can’t speak for the other flavours, but this literally tasted like watered down, home-brand boysenberry ripple. It’s reminiscent of after school care cordial and I fucking hated it. It honestly made me miss the raspberry Cruiser. Sure, it’s all natural and has no sugar but I think I’d rather spike my blood sugar levels. Seriously don’t buy this, plus it’s only 5%? What the fuck? 

1/5 

I guess it’s technically alcohol so I can’t give it a zero. But God, I wish I could.  

Lime Park Lanes 

Finally, a gin contender. If you usually travel down the dark vodka road then these take a bit of getting used to. Park Lanes are a little bit sexy and make you feel classy as hell. The smell of them is horrifying (I blame the lime) but they’re refreshing and at $13 for a pack of six, you’re definitely getting bang for your buck. Despite the taste benefits, these strongly remind me of a high school bully and I can’t explain why. You know, the wankers who wear blazers. You definitely can’t knock them back at fast as their vodka counterparts.  

3.5/5 

Fancy but the bad kind of fancy. It’s not you, it’s me. 

Odd Company: The Random One  

Maybe the previous drinks are starting to catch up with me but fuck these are delicious. No this isn’t an ad, (although hi Odd Company, sponsor me?). The Random One is Vodka, Raspberry, Pomegranate and pure sex. They aren’t sickly sweet so they go down easy but they also don’t taste like actual asshole. Also, the packaging of Odd Company drinks is top tier and this reviewer ABSOLUTELY has a crush on ‘the Random One’ character, she’s fucking hot and looks like she’d study photography. The only downside of these little cans of heaven juice is that they’re only 5%. 

Solid 4.5/5 

Fucking delicious. A real whooper. A pleasure to have in class.

Jim Bean White and Zero Sugar Cola 

I promise I didn’t spend actual money on these. Someone left them at my flat and I thought I’d try them, so you don’t have to. These bad boys make me feel like a divorced dad. They’re no sugar though, so good for a divorced dad who’s conscious of his health. In all seriousness, these aren’t terrible but they’re definitely not nice. Like I wouldn’t want to drink it in a game of king’s cup or rage cage, but I’d probably still do it to look hard. Not my cup of tea, but they could be someone’s?  

2.5/5 

Middle of the road! Much like where I’ll be wondering after I’ve had a few of these bad boys.