Ramming w/ Fergus: Otago is scary

Q. Fergie, I’m going to stay with this girl I’ve been talking to in Otago soon, but I’m scared the party culture will be too much for me. How can I be more extroverted?  

A. Otago is a beast, and you must tame it with charm, charisma, and a bit of lube.  

This one time I was sleeping with this magnificent sheep who studied at Otago University. She was quite the partier, and as I love a good party, I’d often go and visit her down South.  

I’d heard the stories about Dunedin being full of paddock parties and mud fights, but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing.  

My sheep babe took me to a party at a paddock on Castle Street. I walked in to see a three-way kiss, someone fingering a hollow fencepost, and a couple having sex inside the bucket of a digger.  

I could have been shocked, I could have turn around and left, but instead, I recognised one of the chicks in the digger bucker. She stopped what she was doing (fucking) and pointed at me. She said, “Hey Fergus! What ya doing in Dunedin boy? Come on then, get in the bucket!” 

My fling looked at the girl, and then at me, and smiled. She took my hoof and led me up the digger and into the bucket. We had a glorious time, and the digger bucket made for a perfect hard surface to grind on.  

If you should learn anything from my experience, it’s that you should embrace your visit to Otago. Open your arms and your legs to everything it has to offer. And should you find yourself near any heavy machinery — take full advantage.